danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Joker

joke2.jpg
Rating: Soggy.

Rating: Soggy.

It’s not my favorite –

But as controversy goes,

It sure beats Green Book.

Spoilers ahead, obviously.

Halfway through Todd Phillips’ “Joker,” I thought to myself: I never want to watch this movie again. It’s dark, but not as dark as it thinks it is. Grimy, yes, but not enough to make me feel like I need a good soak in the tub a la “Good Time.” It’s definitely violent, though its eruptions aren’t as ultraviolent as it wants them to be. But Joker’s greatest offense, in my eyes, is its failure to properly psychoanalyze its protagonist – so when Arthur Fleck (and likewise the movie) finally descends into madness, it doesn’t feel earned. Or for that matter, believable.

When we’re first introduced to Arthur, he is clearly already mentally unstable. My boss uses this as justification for why the event that sets him over the edge is able to do just that, but I’m still not convinced that the Arthur we’re introduced to in the first half of the movie would be capable of things we see him do after he loses his grip on reality in the second half of the movie. My two clearest examples of this are one, when he sneaks into the theater to meet Thomas Wayne, and two, when he appears on Murray Franklin’s show. In order to get into the theater, he has to sneak past the picket lines and, once inside, don bellboy attire. He is either suddenly extremely lucky or extremely conniving, and you can’t convince me of either. Then, when he’s on Murray’s show, not only is his grand monologue poorly written (sorry, I just couldn’t buy it), but it’s also so far removed how we’ve seen Arthur behave previously. He’s a soft-spoken guy who pretty much exclusively keeps to himself, and we’re supposed to believe he’s capable of delivering some powerful speech on live TV when he can’t even rehearse what he wants to say in the comfort of his own home without shitting the bed? No way. You could argue that he stopped taking his medication and made him more outgoing (if that’s even the right word), but I think that’s a cheap oversight. Joker just isn’t a thinking person’s movie, although it’s desperately trying to masquerade as one.

And another thing. What’s up with the criminal underuse of Brian Tyree Henry? I was hyped to see his name in the credits when the trailer first debuted months ago, but this man only gets one scene. One! Unbelievable. At least his Atlanta co-star gets a few more scenes. This wasn’t so much a review as it turned out to be an airing of grievances, but let me just say that I did appreciate the twist involving said Atlanta castmate Zazie Beetz. It was well executed and I did not see it coming, but it makes me wonder – if Arthur imagined his entire relationship with Sophie, how much else only played out in his head? That’s a fun thread to follow when a smarter movie intentionally posits it, but in the hands of Todd Phillips, it feels accidental.

In Theaters, SoggyGuest User