Most war movies are a slog, but 1917 keeps the momentum moving and never quite lets up.
Read MoreLogo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.
Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:
1. The Frozen Waffle
The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.
2. The Soggy Waffle
You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
3. The Microwaved Waffle
This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.
4. The Crispy Waffle
Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.
5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle
This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.
Everyone who sees Jojo Rabbit will have their own unique reaction to the movie, including every Jewish person. I do not speak for all of my people, only myself. And as a Jewish person who is particularly sensitive to Holocaust jokes and anti-Semitism, who has walked the tracks of Auschwitz and lived to see the inside and outside of a gas chamber, all I can say is this – Jojo Rabbit fucking rules.
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Never have I ever sat through an entire movie and not understood a single thing about it. NOT A SINGLE THING!
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Every so often, a movie comes along that *literally* everyone who sees it urges the uninitiated to go into it knowing as little a possible. This is one of those movies. So do yourself a favor – stop fucking reading and buy a ticket already.
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Joker’s greatest offense is its failure to properly psychoanalyze its protagonist. So when Arthur Fleck (and likewise the movie) finally descends into madness, it doesn’t feel earned. Or for that matter, believable.
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Most space movies feel claustrophobic, but Ad Astra didn’t. Instead of chest-tightening tight shots, each shot is filled with enough emotion to pack a punch Brad Pitt right in his pretty boy mouth. And Pitt, by the way, is definitely (inter)stellar as an astronaut on a mission to find the father who may not be the hero he’s romanticized.
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Hustlers is not an unfamiliar story, nor is it told in an unfamiliar way. And yet, it’s one of the most refreshing movies of the year. Never has a movie set in 2007 felt so 2019.
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Full transparency here: While the idea to save all my summer movies review for one end-of-summer extravaganza is an amazing one, it mostly spawned from my own laziness. I got behind on one review, then two, then three, then four. Eventually I was just like, shit, I need a break. But now I’m back, bitches!
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It’s the best movie musical since Hairspray (come at me Mamma Mia bros) and the best music biopic since four young men from Compton told us to fuck the police. Rocketman is what Across the Universe wanted to be and what everyone somehow mistook Bohemian Rhapsody to be. It’s some of the most fun you’ll have at the movies all year.
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When the end-of-the-decade lists start popping up at the end of the year, “Booksmart” will undoubtedly go down as one of the best high school movies of the decade. Like the best coming of age comedies before it, it’s relevant and timeless all at once (and has a killer soundtrack).
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Long Shot isn’t the political rom-com we asked for, but it’s exactly the political rom-com we need in 2019.
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Is it fair to assign a rating to a movie if I didn’t stay until the ending? I don’t think so, but I’m going to anyway. If it had been better, maybe I would have given a shit about its ending.
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MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD. I won’t warn you again. THERE’S NO TURNING BACK!
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Don’t read on unless you want your shit SPOILED, bro!
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I was on the fence about whether to give The Second Part a Microwaved or Crispy rating, but what sealed the deal for me was realizing that this movie committed the most egregious crime I’ll witness a movie commit all year.
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The MCU’s most powerful superhero deserves a more epic introduction.
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I really hope everything Adam McKay puts forward in the future does away with the characters-talking-at-you thing that he apparently is fond of now. It worked well with “The Big Short” because it was funny and refreshing, but mostly because that banking shit is very confusing and was surely to go over the heads of 90 percent of the audience otherwise, myself included. Vice cheapens everything that worked well for The Big Short and turns its success into nothing more than a gimmick, with far diminished returns.
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Cold War is far and away my favorite movie of the year so far (I can say that because it’s January!), while IMO the Queen biopic wasn’t nearly as awful as the Letterboxd community made it out to be.
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Featuring a double review helping of Ben Is Back and If Beale Street Could Talk. Grab your plastic forks and knives, because it’s time to get soggy!
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