danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Captain Marvel

captain2.jpg
Rating: Microwaved.

Rating: Microwaved.

You can go see it

Or you can stay on the couch.

Both are good options.

Can movies be properly reviewed after just one viewing? How much time must transpire between the viewing and the reviewing for the review to be “fair”? These are the questions I ask myself after waiting two weeks to write my “Captain Marvel” review; questions I could have answered if the one film criticism class the J-school offers had more than just one 8 am lecture.

Two weeks later, and I’m feeling very indifferent about Captain Marvel. And my notes look like they were written in Kree! (This joke would be a lot funnier if I didn’t have to Google the plot of the movie to remember what those aliens were called.) For real, though, the latest installment in the MCU is pretty unremarkable. It’s passable fodder while we wait for Endgame to blow our minds next month, but if you aren’t so obsessive-compulsive that you need to see every Marvel movie within the first two weeks they’re in theaters, then you can skip this one.

My biggest qualm with Captain Marvel (the movie, not the character) is that, for an origin story, it’s not very epic. What made the first Iron Man and Captain America movies so great was how we got to join the characters on their journeys to becoming superheroes (which I just misspelled as superhoes) and all that entails: getting their powers, accepting the responsibilities of those powers, battling internally in order to save the world from external threats. In Captain Marvel, you hardly get a taste of who Carol Danvers was before her memory was wiped, and while she struggles to figure out who she really is, so does the movie. I’m not suggesting that every Marvel movie should hit the same notes and follow the same archetypal journeys – believe me, I’m all for superhero movies subverting conventions. It’s just that, when Danvers finally unleashes her true powers and saves the day, it doesn’t feel like we as an audience earned this moment, because we didn’t get to experience all the obstacles Danvers overcame to get to this moment. Carol Danvers deserves better than Captain Marvel. The MCU’s most powerful superhero deserves a more epic introduction. 

Part of why I didn’t love Captain Marvel is because I typically prefer when the MCU stays grounded on Earth. Maybe that’s small-minded of me, but with the exception of “Guardians” (which I still didn’t love as much as everyone else), the characters just seem more well-rounded when their superheroes aren’t jumping from planets to find that what they’ve been looking for was inside them the whole time. Plus, the stakes just feel higher.

I’ve also realized that I like Marvel movies better when I go in with no expectations. I had absolutely none going into “Doctor Strange” and straight up loved it, but I think too much excitement for “Black Panther” ultimately hurt how much I enjoyed it when my expectations weren’t met. My expectations were fairly high for Captain Marvel since she’s the strongest mother-fucking superhero in the universe, so I think that also helps explain why I’m not still raving about this one. But even though I’ve talked some shit today, Captain Marvel was far from my least favorite movies in the MCU (shout out to Thor.) If you can get past the plot holes and unanswered questions it leaves you with, it makes for an entertaining afternoon at the movies. I just want to know, why did it take 21 installments to introduce Annette Bening to the MCU? Figure it out, casting directors.

In Theaters, MicrowavedGuest User