danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part

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Could’ve been better,

But def could’ve been much worse.

It’s a sophomore slump.

Rating: Microwaved.

Rating: Microwaved.

As arguably the biggest LEGO Movie fan over the age of 11, I was beyond excited to make it to The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part. I had to wait until my homie Daniel was home for spring break (and of course Mizzou has one of the latest spring breaks of any public school), and when he came home, we jumped at the first opportunity we got to see our favorite building blocks on the big screen. So, it’s with great dismay that I have to report that the fourth outing in the LEGO-verse was not only the weakest entry I’ve seen thus far (I skipped Ninjago, but I’ll catch it on HBO some day), but also the weakest work I’ve seen from Lord Miller Productions. It naturally lacked the freshness of the original’s concept, and no scene in this sequel made Daniel and me laugh as this one from the Batman spinoff. But of course, it goes without saying that a weak movie from Phil Lord and Christopher Miller is still miles beyond 90% of everything else getting made right now.

Before I get my hate on, let me just say that The Lego Movie 2 is a good movie. My expectations were high, and they unfortunately weren’t met. Nor was my laugh quota. I chuckled a bunch, sure, but I never lost my shit in the way that I’ve come to expect from the LEGO movies. The throwaway jokes in these movies are often funnier than the main gags, and luckily that was still the case here. But those weren’t enough to carry the movie. I mean, we legitimately couldn’t breathe during that Batman microwave scene. There’s no better feeling, and not getting it when I was hoping for was a bigger letdown than when your pot dealer is out of pot.

Speaking of p[l]ot, I found The LEGO Movie 2’s to be a bit forced. Centering the primary conflict on the relationship between a bickering brother and sister was funny at first, but its imaginative-ness was stretched thin over the course of the movie. And one of the best parts of the original was the fact that (SOGGY SPOILER ALERT) we didn’t know these animated characters were being played with by real-life people; of course you lose that element of surprise in the sequel, but I still felt like there was too much back-and-forth between the real world and the LEGO world, as this led to the writers spelling everything out for us instead of allowing us to make our own assumptions. This is a movie that relies on the power of imagination, but the writers didn’t trust the audience enough to use ours.

I was on the fence about whether to give The Second Part a Microwaved or Crispy rating, but what sealed the deal for me was realizing that this movie committed the most egregious crime I’ll witness a movie commit all year. What was it, you ask? I’ll tell you. It was the criminal, repeat CRIMINAL, underuse of my favorite actor under the age of 9, Brooklynn Prince. She went from her breakout role in probably my favorite movie of the past five years, The Florida Project,  to this backseat role in The Lego Movie where she got minimal screen time and even fewer lines. I’m sure it was a power move for her, but I’d argue that she could have and should have been written a better part once she was casted. I, of course, have no idea about how that works and am definitely talking out of my ass right now. But come on, I want justice for Brooklynn Prince, and I want it now. Maybe she’ll get retribution in Part 3.

In Theaters, MicrowavedGuest User