danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Roma and Shit

vox.jpg
Private Life rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Private Life rating: Perfectly Toasted.

This month I learned to

Finish antibiotics.

’Cuz if not, you’ll die.

Well, shit. It looks like I went a whole month without posting any reviews again. A whole actual month, no joke! I reviewed Vice on February 17, and today is March 17. Oops. I have good excuses this time though, I swear. In the past month, I got sick with a sinus infection, went on vacation, didn’t finish my antibiotics on said vacation, came back from vacation, got so-sick-I-couldn’t-even-watch-TV because I didn’t finish my antibiotics, finished a second round of antibiotics, recovered for a few days and then came down with a really bad cold/allergies/something that I’m currently battling. So needless to say, it’s been a pretty busy month. The good news is I watched a fuck ton of movies. I finally got around to watching “Roma” right before the Oscars (fuck Green Book), but who even cares about my Roma opinion anymore…not me, that’s for sure.

Roma

Not to add fuel to Steven Spielberg’s anti-Netflix fire, but I guarantee I would’ve made a point to see Roma a lot sooner if it was released exclusively in theaters before going to streaming platforms. Exhibit A: I jumped at seeing another black and white foreign film with a Best Director nomination the first chance I got, but I let Roma sit on My List for months before watching it. I shouldn’t have though, because I did love Roma. It’s pretty epic, but it’s also pretty slow. My phone threatened to steal my attention at multiple points throughout the movie, though the subtitled dialogue managed to keep my eyes locked on screen pretty much the whole time.

Story-wise, Roma is fairly predictable, but I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s not hard to figure things out before they happen, but I think it’s a sign of a strong auteur when he’s brought us into this really believable world and we know the characters so well that we know what they’re going to do and how they’ll react to the world around them. My advice: Make it a priority to watch Roma, but maybe leave a light on if you’re watching at night. Otherwise, it might put you to sleep. Rating: Crispy.  

Private Life

Like Roma, “Private Life” sat on My List for far too long. But while I kept putting Roma off out of laziness and a lack of enthusiasm, I was more like saving Private Life because I knew I was going to love it. And I did. It’s a strange and hilarious and very honest movie, and I ate it up. Kathryn Hahn and Paul Giamatti were stellar, and I’d like to see more movies with Kayli Carter ASAP, please. Thanks in advance, Hollywood. Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

A Simple Favor

I thought someone set a dumpster on fire outside my house when I was watching “A Simple Favor,” but nope. It was just the movie that stank. I was equally surprised and disappointed in how much I disliked this movie, as it sounds incredible on paper. Paul Feig, Anna Kendrick, a deliciously dark and satirical premise that blends comedy and thriller. It’s pretty to look at, but that’s its only redeeming quality. The first half is a snooze fest, and when it finally started to get good again, I was already a couple wines deep and didn’t give enough of a shit to care. Thank you, next. Rating: Frozen.

Final Destination & The Butterfly Effect

One night a few weeks ago, I got a strong urge to re-watch Donnie Darko (as I do every so often), but I was devastated to see that Netflix once again purged it from its ever-rotating lineup. “The Butterfly Effect” was recommended as an alternative, and because I was always interested in its premise but too young to watch it when it first came out, I gave it a shot. And you know what, I’m glad I did! It’s one of those movies that’s so bad it’s good, but if you don’t ask too many questions, it’s enjoyable. Plus, what’s not to love about early 2000s Ashton Kutcher. I’m giving The Butterfly Effect a rating of Crispy because of how much I enjoyed the viewing experience, while recognizing that the movie itself is probably barely worth a Microwaved rating.

After I finished The Butterfly Effect, the Final Destination trilogy was recommended to me next. I never fall into Netflix rabbit holes like this, so the next night I said fuck it and gave the first one a shot. And again, I’m so glad I did. For all of the same reasons. It’s not that great of a movie, but if you don’t ask too many questions, it’s thoroughly entertaining. It’s not as smart or clever as it thinks it is (the same can be said about The Butterfly Effect), but it does the teen horror thing pretty well. Plus, it’s got Sean William Scott playing against type as a lovable dork instead of the usual horny Alpha male jock, and that alone is worth the price of admission. I’m eagerly awaiting the next weeknight when I find myself in the right mood to watch the sequels. Hopefully that’ll be soon. Rating: Microwaved. 

Vox Lux

“Vox Lux” didn’t make much of a splash when it arrived in theaters, and it sure didn’t overstay its welcome. Aside from critics on Twitter, I didn’t hear one person I know personally mention this movie, which is sort of surprising since it’s a Natalie Portman vehicle in a role with “Black Swan” vibes and screams Ariana Grande without ever doing so much as nodding in the real pop star’s direction. I remember #FilmTwitter being extremely divided over Vox Lux, but I can’t see why. I loved it. An early scene grabs you by the throat and threatens to rip you open, and from then on I couldn’t look away. Vox Lux has its darkly humorous moments, but mostly it’s just dark. Thematically and visually. You can leave your expectations at the door for this one, because no matter what you think you know going into it, Vox Lux is probably a wholly different movie than what you’re expecting. That was the case for me, at least. For example, Natalie Portman isn’t even in the first half of the movie, but I honestly think I liked the half without her more. And I love Natalie Portman, so make of that what you will. People may not be talking about Vox Lux now, but I think it’s going to age really well, and maybe even reach cult status. Let’s see where it’s at in 10 years. Rating: Crispy.

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