Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.
And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:
1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.
2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.
4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.
5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.
Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.
Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:
1. The Frozen Waffle
The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.
2. The Soggy Waffle
You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
3. The Microwaved Waffle
This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.
4. The Crispy Waffle
Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.
5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle
This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.
Dare I say Palm Springs is the best movie of 2020 so far? That would be a bold-ass statement coming from someone who is admittedly very behind on this year’s movies. But compared to like the two movies I have seen, yeah I’d say it’s no-contest.
Read MoreFor someone who claims to love movies as much as yours truly, I’ve caught surprisingly few flicks over the past few months. And of the few I have watched, I haven’t felt compelled to write about them. That is…
Until now.
Read MoreTrolls World Tour has all the shine and gloss of the first movie (it still earns a 10/10 Trippy Rating), but it’s largely, disappointingly forgettable. And now that we all have all the time in the world to consume content, studios are going to have to do better to earn our attention.
Read MoreWhat’s particularly confounding isn’t that Pixar kicked off the decade with such a mediocre entry into their canon – it’s why they want (or at least planned) to release two movies in the same year with such similar storylines.
Read MorePete Davidson and Griffin Gluck have great chemistry together, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll forget this movie exists in a year’s time.
Read MoreHoney Boy is certainly not the first coming-of-age movie about confronting the demons of one’s childhood, but it’s unique in that the making of the movie is the biggest confrontation in itself.
Read MoreEverybody’s Everything is a fitting tribute to a generation-defining artist who never got to be that.
Read MoreFull transparency here: While the idea to save all my summer movies review for one end-of-summer extravaganza is an amazing one, it mostly spawned from my own laziness. I got behind on one review, then two, then three, then four. Eventually I was just like, shit, I need a break. But now I’m back, bitches!
Read MoreWhat could have been a terrifying thriller is instead reduced to something far more procedural and lackluster. And that’s a real shame, because there’s a good movie in here somewhere. Its writers just didn’t dig deep enough.
Read MoreIf you blended the spirit of “American Honey,” the understanding of what-it-means-to-be-a-teen-in-2018 of “Eighth Grade” and the feeling of being-part-of-something-bigger-than-yourself-as-a-result-of-skating of “Mid90s,” you’d get Skate Kitchen – an often-times hilarious, deeply moving and wholly unique vision of what it means to be a kid on the cusp of adulthood whose finally found her people.
Read MoreWell, it looks like I went a whole month without posting any reviews again. Oops. I have good excuses this time though, I swear. I finally got around to watching Roma, but who even cares about my Roma opinion anymore…not me, that’s for sure. The good news is I watched a fuck ton of other movies, too!
Read MoreScene-for-scene, Winter’s Bone the movie is a very faithful adaptation of the novel, and every bit as tense and gritty.
Read MoreCold War is far and away my favorite movie of the year so far (I can say that because it’s January!), while IMO the Queen biopic wasn’t nearly as awful as the Letterboxd community made it out to be.
Read MoreHave you ever returned to one of your all-time favorite movies and wondered what it would feel like to watch it again for the first time? First Reformed is the rare movie that gives you that feeling the first time you watch it. From its opening scene, I knew I was in the presence of greatness.
Read MoreFeaturing reviews of Widows, Instant Family, Never Goin’ Back, Hot Summer Nights and Searching.
Read MoreBlindspotting is a powerful movie-of-the-moment, a wholly original take on the rippling effects of gun violence in the current age we’re living in – and if it doesn’t crack the top 10 on your end of the year lists, then your list means nothing to me.
Read MoreWhile I still found time to see movies during a very hectic April and May, I slacked on writing the reviews. So before I get to Thoroughbreds, here are my thoughts on some recent releases that I haven’t previously posted.
Read More“Paddington” works so well because you somehow never doubt the plausibility of what’s happening onscreen.
Read MoreEmma Stone's proven she can hold her in serious roles, but while she won the Academy Award for Best Actress for last year’s “La La Land,” I’m of the opinion that her turn as Billie Jean King in “Battle of the Sexes” is far more deserving of the gold.
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