Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.
And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:
1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.
2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.
4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.
5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.
Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.
Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:
1. The Frozen Waffle
The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.
2. The Soggy Waffle
You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
3. The Microwaved Waffle
This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.
4. The Crispy Waffle
Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.
5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle
This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.
Dare I say Palm Springs is the best movie of 2020 so far? That would be a bold-ass statement coming from someone who is admittedly very behind on this year’s movies. But compared to like the two movies I have seen, yeah I’d say it’s no-contest.
Read MoreFor someone who claims to love movies as much as yours truly, I’ve caught surprisingly few flicks over the past few months. And of the few I have watched, I haven’t felt compelled to write about them. That is…
Until now.
Read MoreHoney Boy is certainly not the first coming-of-age movie about confronting the demons of one’s childhood, but it’s unique in that the making of the movie is the biggest confrontation in itself.
Read MoreMost war movies are a slog, but 1917 keeps the momentum moving and never quite lets up.
Read MoreEverybody’s Everything is a fitting tribute to a generation-defining artist who never got to be that.
Read MoreEveryone who sees Jojo Rabbit will have their own unique reaction to the movie, including every Jewish person. I do not speak for all of my people, only myself. And as a Jewish person who is particularly sensitive to Holocaust jokes and anti-Semitism, who has walked the tracks of Auschwitz and lived to see the inside and outside of a gas chamber, all I can say is this – Jojo Rabbit fucking rules.
Read MoreHustlers is not an unfamiliar story, nor is it told in an unfamiliar way. And yet, it’s one of the most refreshing movies of the year. Never has a movie set in 2007 felt so 2019.
Read MoreFull transparency here: While the idea to save all my summer movies review for one end-of-summer extravaganza is an amazing one, it mostly spawned from my own laziness. I got behind on one review, then two, then three, then four. Eventually I was just like, shit, I need a break. But now I’m back, bitches!
Read MoreLong Shot isn’t the political rom-com we asked for, but it’s exactly the political rom-com we need in 2019.
Read MoreDon’t read on unless you want your shit SPOILED, bro!
Read MoreWell, it looks like I went a whole month without posting any reviews again. Oops. I have good excuses this time though, I swear. I finally got around to watching Roma, but who even cares about my Roma opinion anymore…not me, that’s for sure. The good news is I watched a fuck ton of other movies, too!
Read MoreScene-for-scene, Winter’s Bone the movie is a very faithful adaptation of the novel, and every bit as tense and gritty.
Read MoreFeaturing a double review helping of Ben Is Back and If Beale Street Could Talk. Grab your plastic forks and knives, because it’s time to get soggy!
Read MoreIt’s a movie that deliberately does everything to keep you at an arm’s reach, but if you stick with it, The Favourite makes for an immensely entertaining moviegoing experience. I’m already excited about returning to it in order to pick up on things I didn’t catch the first time.
Read MoreI think my mom unwittingly summarized my thoughts on CYEFM best when she mentioned the return of Schindler’s List to theaters this weekend. It’s a great movie, she said, but not one she has any desire to watch again. Can You Ever Forgive Me? will probably go down as one of my favorite movies of 2018, but at least as of right now, I have absolutely no desire to watch it again.
Read MoreFeaturing reviews of Widows, Instant Family, Never Goin’ Back, Hot Summer Nights and Searching.
Read MoreAs a showcase for directing and editing, First Man is great. Maybe one of the best movies of the year. But if you’re like me, that’s not enough to carry a movie. As someone who absolutely loved Whiplash and once Instagrammed a picture of Rylan Gosling for #ManCrushMonday, it physically pains me to say that I liked but didn’t love First Man.
Read MoreThis wasn’t the sequel to a Jack Black movie based on a series of beloved kids books by R.L. Stine, but I saw some serious goosebumps in the theater today. The moment when Maine brings Ally on stage for the first time is just so emotional and powerful and exciting that it’s practically worth the price of admission itself. Scratch that, it is worth the price of admission itself.
Read MoreI really was hooked on everything about The Wife until the last 10 minutes of the movie. I’m still interested to see if Close will get any love come awards season, but let’s just say I like the endings of her movies better when she's playing opposite a certain spotted couple named Pongo and Perdita.
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