danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

A Star Is Born

star 2.jpg
Rating: Crispy.

Rating: Crispy.

If Bradley Cooper

Could direct himself in more

Movies, that’d be great.

I’m the perfect audience for “A Star Is Born:” I had a Lady Gaga song on my Bar Mitzvah CD (Poker Face, obviously), I believe Bradley Cooper can do no wrong (All About Steve as the exception) and I’m uncorrupted by the shittiness of the previous remakes of the movie. I didn’t even know this was the fourth go at the story until right before its release, and that was after I had already seen the preview just under one million times in theaters this summer. And while I didn’t fall head over heels for this version the way Lady Gaga’s Ally does for Bradley Cooper’s Jackson Maine and vice versa, I did really like it. Really!

For starters, “A Star Is Born” is pure movie magic. The first half of the film is so thrilling to watch unfold that it practically radiates energy from the screen, and that’s because Gaga and Cooper are electrifying when they take the stage together. And that moment when he brings her on stage to sing Shallow for the first time? Damn. When she hits those notes at the end of the song, I felt every hair on my arms stand on end. This wasn’t the sequel to a Jack Black movie based on a series of beloved kids books by R.L. Stine, but I saw some serious goosebumps in the theater today. It’s just such an emotional and powerful and exciting moment, it’s practically worth the price of admission itself. Scratch that, it is worth the price of admission itself.

And that’s a good thing, because the movie starts to fall apart in the second half. I can’t pinpoint exactly when, but at some point after Ally goes orange and before Jackson Maine checks into rehab, the movie starts to lose its steam. The movie feels about 20 minutes too long by the time it reaches its teary conclusion, and yet the emotional points of the plot in the second half still feel glossed over. So while I’m not suggesting that what I need is a 4-hour director’s cut that dives deeper into Ally and Jackson’s life post-marriage, I’m not, not saying that, either.

Although the story is far too predictable and the second half is less good than the amazing first half, I’ll definitely be recommending “A Star Is Born” to peeps who ask me what I thought about it. I definitely think it should be nominated for all the awards it has coming its way, though it shouldn’t necessarily win. I have a feeling that I’ll be raving about many more movies come February.

 

In Theaters, CrispyGuest User