danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Bad Times at the El Royale

bad times 2.jpg
Rating: Frozen.

Rating: Frozen.

Lightning does not strike

Twice in the same place for Drew

Goddard, director.

After an unanticipatedly hectic few movie-less weeks of transitioning from San Francisco back to home, it was a real joy to find myself in a movie theater last night. Except, Jesus Christ, I apparently forgot what it was like to see a movie with a bunch of Midwesterners. You would have thought we were in a matinee at a retirement home on a Tuesday afternoon the way these people were talking to each other and at the screen. But no, it was 10pm on a Saturday. And the movie sucked.

When I first saw the preview for “Bad Times at the El Royale,” I was definitely a little excited for it. And then when I found out that director Drew Goddard also helmed “The Cabin in the Woods,” I was a lot excited. If I ever made a list of my top 20 favorite movies of the past 20 years, Cabin would without a doubt be on it. I’m pretty sure I was so obsessed with it that I watched it twice in 24 hours after seeing it for the first time. I loved the way that it turned the horror genre on its head, how, like the “Scream” series (the first two would also be on said list), it finds a way to parody scary movies while also being pretty terrifying itself. So yes, I was expecting more of the same from Bad Times – a breath of fresh air to the thriller genre, plot twists on plot twists, maybe a little humor here and there. But as it turns out, the biggest plot twist of all is that there were no twists. Just a bad movie disguised as a good one.

Criticism-wise, I don’t even know where to begin. The characters are uninteresting, their backstories are unimportant and plot points feel loosely connected, if connected at all. I poop a lot more than the average person, but I never gave a single shit about any of these people and what would happen to them. I kept hoping for the movie to find its feet, but after about an hour and a half of me checking the time on my watch every 15 or so minutes, I knew it was never going to take off. By the time Chris Hemsworth’s weirdo cult leader shows up at the hotel, I was already checked out (winky face). If I was the type of person who walked out of movies, I would have walked out of this one. But to be fair, I shouldn’t be surprised – “Bad Times” is in the title – I just thought that only applied to the characters, not moviegoers as well. And if they had a bad time at the El Royale, I had a terrible one. I would not recommend a stay here to anyone.

In Theaters, FrozenGuest User