danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Hustlers

hustle2.jpg
Rating: Crispy.

Rating: Crispy.

It’s rare that a

Christmas movie is released

In mid-September.

“Hustlers” is a movie I haven’t been able to get out of my head since I saw it last weekend. It creeps into my thoughts at random times during the workday, it’s seeped into my subconscious and entering my dreams at night. It’s “I, Tonya” meets “Magic Mike” meets “Support the Girls,” and it’s every bit as thrilling as that holy trinity suggests. Oh, and it’s most definitely a Christmas movie. Come for J.Lo and stay for the 2007-2008 Bar Mitzvah season soundtrack – whatever you come for, just come. I promise you’ll have fun. And if you don’t, you can take your library card and fuck off. 

“Hustlers” is not an unfamiliar story, nor is it told in an unfamiliar way. And yet, it’s one of the most refreshing movies of the year. Never has a movie set in 2007 felt so 2019.

At the center of “Huslters” is the age-old story of the rich stealing from the poor, but instead of men in tights, you get women in Chinchilla coats and Cardi B in nipple tassels. Its narrative is propelled forward by an interview, as present-day Destiny (Constance Wu) recounts her adventures with Ramona (Jennifer Lopez) and gang to New York Magazine journalist Julia Stiles. While I loved the shit out of this movie, I wasn’t much a fan of the talking heads framing device. Yes, it allows Destiny to narrate her own story, and maybe it humanizes Ramona by revealing how much she still cares for Destiny after their fallout, but overall I didn’t see much of a need for it other than an excuse to cram Ms. Stiles into an already jam-packed-with-talent cast. It felt right for “I, Tonya” because Tonya Harding and co. are such an eccentric bunch, and it worked for “Jackie” because of Natalie Portman. But here, it just felt unnecessary.

Audiences are loving “Hustlers” because of the way it effortlessly transitions from comedy to drama to thriller. It’s a heist film that knows how to have fun, and what it gets right is its respect for the women on screen and the real-life women they’re portraying. It doesn’t ask you to decide if what they’re doing is right or wrong – it just wants you to understand why they did what they did. And more than anything, it just wants to you to have a good time. And if watching Usher enter a night club to the tune of “Love in this Club” while he proceeds to do exactly what he says he intends to in the song is your idea of fun, you’ll have a lot of it.

In Theaters, CrispyGuest User