danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

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1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

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2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

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3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

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4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

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5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Summer Movie Roundup

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Dear dumb diary,

I almost forgot how to

Put words on a page.

Full transparency here: While the idea to save all my summer movies review for one end-of-summer extravaganza is an amazing one, it mostly spawned from my own laziness. I got behind on one review, then two, then three, then four. Eventually I was just like, shit, I need a break. Plus, it’s not like I was just twiddling my thumbs in absence. I took a vacation, got a nose job, took another vacation, got a stomach bug that made me puke so hard I popped a blood vessel in my eye. It’s been a hell of a summer, and I’m sorry I didn’t document it in real time. But before we get to my actual summer roundup, I’d like to honor the recently laid-to-rest MoviePass. I ultimately did more shit-talking on MoviePass than praise on here, but it really all came from a place of love. There were bad times and there were worse times, but there were also a lot of good times. When I was alone in San Francisco and had nothing to do or no one to hang with, I’d go to a movie on my Movie Pass’s dime. It was my crutch when I desperately needed one, and it allowed me to see movies that I otherwise wouldn’t have in theaters. Yitgadal v'yitkadash sh'mei raba, may your memory be a blessing.

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Toy Story 4

Was “Toy Story 4” worth seeing three times in theaters like I did “Toy Story 2,” or even twice like I did TS3? No, but it was still good. Like probably everyone who grew up on these talking toys, I was skeptical when I heard the news that one of Pixar’s most beloved trilogies was becoming a saga. I know TS3 has caught flack since its release, but I remembered harboring nothing but fond feelings for the tearjerker and feeling like it was surely a high enough note to go out on. That being said, TS4 is an extremely satisfying and (hopefully) fitting end to the adventures of our beloved Buzz and Woody. Everyone’s favorite existential fork, Forky (Tony Hale), is worth the price of admission alone, but it’s the original bunch of that toys that make the journey worthwhile. What made my TS4 viewing so special was the circumstances in which I saw it: with my best friends, our parents and sisters alongside us. We’ve found that it’s become increasingly harder to get all our families together as we get older, but a new Toy Story movie was of course the perfect excuse for a Tuesday night reunion. And that alone is enough to justify another Toy Story installment.

Rating: Microwaved.

Midsommar

The question on everyone’s minds, naturally, is how “Midsommar” compares to “Hereditary” – what I personally refer to as the scariest movie I’ve ever seen. It’s certainly not as edge-of-your-seat thrilling, but it is far more disturbing. Months later, there are still images I can’t shake from Ari Aster’s critically acclaimed follow-up. Similarly to Hereditary, Aster creates an everything-goes atmosphere practically from the get-go, and that’s why he excels at making audiences’ blood curl just so. He’s also the master of finding the way to make even the most harmless shots feel threatening, like turning a road upside down while our heroes traverse it. I guess I wish Midsommar had chilled me more than it did, but it’s still effective as the allegory it aims to be. I made the mistake of seeing Midsommar on a cool summer night – I definitely recommend a hot summer day. Well, summer has come and past, so I suggest not waiting until September ends and catching it on one of the few remaining hot autumn days we have left. I’ll be doing the same for the Director’s Cut. Rating:

Crispy.

The Last Black Man in San Francisco

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I didn’t take any notes on The Last Black Man in San Francisco, so shit. I remember really liking it, though! Let’s see what I had to say on Letterboxd: “Dreamlike, moving said. Touching, heartfelt, raw. Two of some of the year’s best performances, I think. Four stars.” I guess I felt like speaking in adjectives that day. It was Fourth of July weekend, and I’m sure I was just burnt out from all that family time. If you want any indication of that, it’s that I got a coffee with three shots of Kahlua for this one. Four stars on Letterboxd equates to a Crispy rating on Soggy Waffles, but I don’t feel comfortable anointing TLBM with a Crispy rating since it didn’t do much sticking around in my brain. We’ll call it Microwaved.

Rating: Microwaved.

Spider-Man: Far From Home

No notes again. Shit, what was I thinking. Well, it won’t go down as my favorite Marvel movie of the year, but it ranks way higher than “Captain Marvel” in my book. “Far From Home” excels at what Spider-Man as a character does best: have fun. When you have to follow up the biggest movie of the decade, that’s all you can hope for.

Rating: Microwaved.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

The movie so nice I saw it twice – and on hydros, to boot! “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” arrived in theaters just after my sinus surgery, and you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn’t let something as trivial as a doctor opening up an essential part of my body stop me from seeing Tarantino’s latest. And let me tell you, I loved it. Every detail, every long-ass conversation that made you wonder when the hell that scene was going to end. It’s a movie that feels lived in, and Brad Pitt’s never been better (Mr. and Mrs. Smith notwithstanding). OUATIH is a movie that demands to be seen multiple times, and I can say that with absolute certainty after my repeat viewing. It’s also got what I swear has to be my favorite ending to a movie ever. When it hits streaming services in a few weeks, run – don’t walk – to your Apple TV remote.

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

The Farewell

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In a universe where Quentin Tarantino doesn’t have a summer 2019 release of an instant classic, “The Farewell” would take the title of my favorite movie of the summer. Like “Boyhood,” it will forever hold a special place in my heart because of how where I was at the time in my life that I saw it. Throw in a dash of job-induced existential dread, a pinch of dying grandparents and a minority-focused cultural backdrop and you have all the makings of the perfect movie for me to relate to in my early twenties. “The Farewell” is a small movie with an overflowing amount of heart, and it did something truly unexpected by turning me into a ginormous Awkwafina fan. Kudos.

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Good Boys

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At the beginning of the summer, we were blessed with the female-centric “Superbad” (which I’ll remind you is my favorite movie of all time), and at the end of the summer we got the tween version. My friends walked out of “Good Boys” claiming it was far better, “not even close,” “not even in the same league” as “Booksmart” before it. But I don’t think the final word on the matter is so simple, and I’m still going to simplify it far more than I should. While I’ll give them that Good Boys has a far better laugh-out-loud:runtime ratio than Booksmart (once Good Boys started, we pretty much never stopped laughing. Seriously, bring an oxygen tank), Booksmart is a much better overall movie. I think my friends preferred Good Boys because its pacing and joke speed recalls the “Step Brothers” and Adam Sandler vehicles of our youth, but I can’t get by on laughs alone these days. When Good Boys was solely aiming for laughs, I loved it. When it tried to infuse a bit of Apatowian bromance into its low-stakes story about 12-year-olds – that’s where it fell short.

Rating: Crispy.

In Theaters, Now Streaming, Microwaved, Crispy, Perfectly ToastedGuest User