danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Rocketman

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Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

In the afterglow

Of a film like Rocketman

I am all smiles.

I think I need to take a class on positive film criticism, because I’m always at a loss for words when I love a movie and never short of them when I’m digging into one. “Rocketman” is the former: It’s the best movie musical since “Hairspray” (come at me “Mamma Mia” bros) and the best music biopic since four young men from Compton told us to fuck the police. Rocketman is what “Across the Universe” wanted to be and what everyone somehow mistook “Bohemian Rhapsody” to be. It’s some of the most fun you’ll have at the movies all year.    

Centered on an elder Reginald Dwight (spoiler alert: Elton John is just a stage name!) baring his soul to a group of strangers at AA, the movie jumps back and forth between past and present, effectively blending the two and allowing for the more fantastic elements and musical numbers to come to life. It’s a smart way for a movie based on a true story to explain its moments of fantasy, but not a particularly interesting one, as the AA scenes don’t do much to propel the narrative forward. That being said, the fantasy interpolations feel like a revelation for the genre, and they’re some of the movie’s greatest strengths. Penned as a real-life fantasy, that seemingly contradictory tagline is spot-on, and every bit as fun it suggests. From the audience levitating at John’s first headliner in LA to a drug-fueled encounter with a younger version of himself playing piano at the bottom of a pool, Rocketman stays imaginative even when it’s at its most contemplative. At some points, though, I did find myself wondering how far from the truth the movie was straying – but isn’t the nature of all biopics, anyway?

Rocketman is enjoyable from start to finish, largely due to Taron Egerton’s knockout performance as Elton John. If you aren’t familiar with Egerton, this movie should make him a household name, and deservingly so. He’s badass as fuck in Kingsman, but this performance takes his badass status to action star territory previously only charted by Hugh Jackman. You might be tempted to compare Egerton’s performance to a certain someone who was awarded Best Actor last year, but Egerton’s isn’t even in the same league. He does his own singing and dancing, and if a lot of training went into this role, you wouldn’t know it. He’s a natural.

Another one of the movies strengths – its pacing – is also my only gripe. The breakneck pace at which it speeds along makes it every bit as fun and overwhelming as it probably was to live, but it strains in some places. The most noticeable is when, in what feels like the movie barreling toward its third act, Elton marries Renate Blauel, and they’re already getting divorced two scenes later. Focusing so much on his come-up takes away from some of the heavy-hitting emotional moments later in his life, but don’t get me wrong, the movie’s emotional gut punches still land. When a movie is having this much fun telling its story, it’s allowed to miss a few beats. And when its fun is this contagious, the missteps are harder to catch.

In Theaters, Perfectly ToastedGuest User