For someone who claims to love movies as much as yours truly, I’ve caught surprisingly few flicks over the past few months. And of the few I have watched, I haven’t felt compelled to write about them. That is…
Until now.
Read MoreLogo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.
Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:
1. The Frozen Waffle
The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.
2. The Soggy Waffle
You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
3. The Microwaved Waffle
This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.
4. The Crispy Waffle
Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.
5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle
This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.
Every so often, a movie comes along that *literally* everyone who sees it urges the uninitiated to go into it knowing as little a possible. This is one of those movies. So do yourself a favor – stop fucking reading and buy a ticket already.
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Full transparency here: While the idea to save all my summer movies review for one end-of-summer extravaganza is an amazing one, it mostly spawned from my own laziness. I got behind on one review, then two, then three, then four. Eventually I was just like, shit, I need a break. But now I’m back, bitches!
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It’s the best movie musical since Hairspray (come at me Mamma Mia bros) and the best music biopic since four young men from Compton told us to fuck the police. Rocketman is what Across the Universe wanted to be and what everyone somehow mistook Bohemian Rhapsody to be. It’s some of the most fun you’ll have at the movies all year.
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When the end-of-the-decade lists start popping up at the end of the year, “Booksmart” will undoubtedly go down as one of the best high school movies of the decade. Like the best coming of age comedies before it, it’s relevant and timeless all at once (and has a killer soundtrack).
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MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD. I won’t warn you again. THERE’S NO TURNING BACK!
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If you blended the spirit of “American Honey,” the understanding of what-it-means-to-be-a-teen-in-2018 of “Eighth Grade” and the feeling of being-part-of-something-bigger-than-yourself-as-a-result-of-skating of “Mid90s,” you’d get Skate Kitchen – an often-times hilarious, deeply moving and wholly unique vision of what it means to be a kid on the cusp of adulthood whose finally found her people.
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Well, it looks like I went a whole month without posting any reviews again. Oops. I have good excuses this time though, I swear. I finally got around to watching Roma, but who even cares about my Roma opinion anymore…not me, that’s for sure. The good news is I watched a fuck ton of other movies, too!
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Cold War is far and away my favorite movie of the year so far (I can say that because it’s January!), while IMO the Queen biopic wasn’t nearly as awful as the Letterboxd community made it out to be.
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Featuring a double review helping of Ben Is Back and If Beale Street Could Talk. Grab your plastic forks and knives, because it’s time to get soggy!
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Have you ever returned to one of your all-time favorite movies and wondered what it would feel like to watch it again for the first time? First Reformed is the rare movie that gives you that feeling the first time you watch it. From its opening scene, I knew I was in the presence of greatness.
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I don’t care if you’ve got superhero fatigue or if you think the last thing we needed in 2018 was yet another go at a Spidey origin story: Mark my words, Into the Spider-Verse is the best animated movie of the year and my new favorite Marvel movie of all time, though it’s not my favorite Spider-Man movie. That honor still belongs to “Spider-Man 2.”
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Blindspotting is a powerful movie-of-the-moment, a wholly original take on the rippling effects of gun violence in the current age we’re living in – and if it doesn’t crack the top 10 on your end of the year lists, then your list means nothing to me.
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My advice? Run, don’t walk. Though there’s so many beatdowns in the movie that I walked out afraid someone was going to beat me up, I also walked out of the theater knowing that I had just experienced one of my favorite movies of the year. I immediately wished I could watch it over again for the first time.
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While the film could have taken the easy route and leaned into the rebellion narrative like I expected, the final result is instead a beautiful, honest exploration of the confusion and messiness of sexual identity, gender orientation and religion as seen through the lens of teenagers in 1993 who want to believe they’re good enough when their families and society are constantly telling them otherwise.
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Fallout is undoubtedly the most fun you’ll have at the movies this year. Don’t fact check me on this, but it’s got to have the best Tom Cruise running: runtime ratio of any movie to come out this summer, and the chase sequences come fast and hit hard.
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The best coming-of-age movies aren’t just able to perfectly capture a generation, but also transcend it. I wear it on my life sleeve that I’m a sucker for any and all coming-of-age movies, but Eighth Grade was unlike other recent standouts because of how much I found myself caring for Kayla.
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Unlike The Babadook, Hereditary doesn’t hit you over the head with its metaphors. I don’t want to spoil anything, but let’s just say the devil is definitely in the details with this one.
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While I still found time to see movies during a very hectic April and May, I slacked on writing the reviews. So before I get to Thoroughbreds, here are my thoughts on some recent releases that I haven’t previously posted.
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