danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Holy fucking shit

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

I couldn’t believe my eyes

A Marvel-ous feat.

Since seeing “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse” in theaters last Wednesday night, thoughts about the movie have entered my mind approximately one gillion times per hour per day. I just can’t get it out of my head. I’ve tried to reenter its world by watching YouTube clips and Facebook videos, but amazingly, none of these videos do the animation an ounce of justice. So if you’re on the fence about seeing Spider-Man in theaters, get off the fucking fence and get to your nearest AMC A$AP-fucking-Rocky. I don’t care if you’ve got superhero fatigue or if you think the last thing we needed in 2018 was yet another go at a Spidey origin story: Mark my words, Into the Spider-Verse is the best animated movie of the year and my new favorite Marvel movie of all time, though it’s not my favorite Spider-Man movie. That honor still belongs to “Spider-Man 2.”

Let me start by saying that “Into the Spider-Verse” is the coolest movie I’ve ever seen, and I’ve never been more excited to sit back and watch a world come to life onscreen. It’s simply beautiful to look at: the animation, the texture, the comic book feel that’s not-quite stop motion but more like stop motion’s cooler, dart-ripping older brother. It’s two straight hours of nonstop sensory overload, with blink-and-you’ll-miss-them visual gags and arrestingly beautiful action sequences. From both a visual standpoint and a storytelling one, Into the Spider-Verse keeps you guessing about what’s coming next and never once loses momentum during its runtime. And frankly, it’s the first comic book movie I’ve ever seen that genuinely made me want to read its source material. Now I want to know all there is to know about Miles Morales and the multiverse of Spider-men. I probably still won’t read the comics, but hey, you never know. Maybe the sequel will get me to do that.

 On a scale of 1 to22 Jump Street, I’d say that Spider-Verse is funnier than “The Lego Batman Movie” but not quite as gut-busting as “The Lego Movie.” There’s no mistaking its unique humor, though: just minutes in to the movie and you can tell it’s from the minds of creators Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. In anyone else’s hands, you’d probably be right to dismiss a December superhero release, but Lord and Miller took a Spider-Man origin story and turned it into what is quite possibly my favorite movie of the year, and maybe my favorite of all time. Watch out, “Superbad.”

In Theaters, Perfectly ToastedGuest User