danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Mary Poppins Returns

mary_poppins_returns_disney.jpg
Rating: Microwaved.

Rating: Microwaved.

There are worse movies

To spend Christmas Day watching.

*Cough* Greatest Showman.

 Editor’s Note: I don’t know if I could pinpoint the exact review, but at some point over the last year (Happy One Year Writing About Movies To Me!), I got soft. Or Soggy, you might say. I started out with an aim to reserve the Perfectly Toasted rating solely for the best movies ever, and the Crispy rating for movies I really, really liked. Everything else should be Microwaved at best. And yet, here I was, ready to give “Mary Poppins Returns” a Crispy rating. I think I’ve done a decent job of reserving the Perfectly Toasted tag for truly deserving titles, but I’ve been too quick to Crispy when I should be Microwave-ing. Crispy is a coveted rating, and I need to do a better job of treating it that way. I vow to do so in 2019, and I’ll get a head-start now by demoting Mary P to Microwaved.  

Over the past year, I’ve gotten more careful about reading reviews before I see movies so as not to subconsciously pawn off other critics’ opinions as my own, but there are two criticisms I couldn’t avoid hearing about “Mary Poppins Returns” before I saw it on Christmas Day. The first is that Emily Blunt sucked in the titular role, and the second is that the music sucked overall. I am here to say that I wholeheartedly agree with the latter, but couldn’t disagree more with the former.

 My biggest complaint about “Mary Poppins Returns” (which I’ve nearly spelled as Marry Poopins multiple times now) is that it was just too damn long, and the same can be said about its songs. MPR clocks in at slightly over 2 hours, and each musical number overstays its welcome by at least a couple minutes. I wasn’t sitting in the theater with a stopwatch (I’d use my Apple Watch, not a real stopwatch, obviously), but let’s just say those minutes really add up by the end. And don’t get me wrong, length by itself is not a bad thing; I sat through King Kong on Christmas Day in 2005 and loved every second of it. But none of these musical numbers felt very inspired or magical, with the exceptions being the bath tub scene and Lin-Manuel Miranda’s rap in “A Cover Is Not The Book,” which is worth the price of admission alone. How can you not love Lin-Manuel? He’s the best.

 And really, the same CAN be said for Emily Blunt as well. How can you not love her? She’s no Julie Andrews I guess, but I wasn’t born before 1960 so that’s not something I care to hold against her. I’m sure she played the role to the best of her ability, and I’d say she’s pretty damn able when it comes to singing, dancing and acting. If you’re an Emily Blunt hater, I compel you to Google “A Quiet Place bathroom scene” and politely shut the fuck up forever.

 I’ve really written more than I care to on the subject of Mary Poppins today, but I’ll leave you with this thought: What if Mary Poppins took place in a Stephen King multiverse, and little Georgie Banks who stumbles into the woods looking for his kite at the beginning of this movie is the same little Georgie from “It” who gets pulled into the sewer by Pennywise while looking for his toy boat? Stranger things, right?

In Theaters, MicrowavedGuest User