danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

First Reformed

First2.jpg
Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

This is the movie

The expression “tour de force”

Was invented for.

Have you ever returned to one of your all-time favorite movies and wondered what it would feel like to watch it again for the first time? “First Reformed” is the rare movie that gives you that feeling the first time you watch it. From its opening scene, I knew I was in the presence of greatness.

I had plenty of opportunities to see “First Reformed” in theaters this summer, but I never got around to it. I wish I had, because summers have a track record of producing some of my favorite movies of the year (“The Lobster,” “Sing Street,” “Hunt for the Wilderpeople”), and I could’ve spent the last six months campaigning for my friends to see it instead of trying to convert non-horror fans into “Hereditary” apologists. I can only imagine how I would have felt seeing “First Reformed” in theaters, which sports even more of a Sopranos ending than The Sopranos. Instead, I watched it on my iPad (cue the “Roma” debates) coming back from Christmas in St. Louis, and I was not okay for the rest of the drive home. I needed to go for a walk to clear my head, but I was trapped in the confines of my sister’s ’08 Corolla. My advice: Watch “First Reformed” with a loved one so you have someone to talk about it with after, and watch it near a gym so you can hop on the treadmill for a few miles while you contemplate what you just witnessed.  

“First Reformed” gave me the same giddy feeling that I got while watching “Phantom Thread.” Those of you who have seen either of these movies are probably questioning how the fuck either of them made me feel giddy, but I honestly felt pure excitement while watching them. In both movies, nearly every shot crackles with silent uncertainty, and just when you think you know what the movies are about, bang, you realize you were sorely mistaken. Ethan Hawke has “risen” to be one of my favorite actors (risen, get it) after “Boyhood” and catching up on The Before Trilogy, and he really solidifies himself as such here. I can’t recommend “First Reformed” enough, and I’m excited to watch it again – I guess instant re-watching is the good part about waiting to see it until it hit Amazon Prime. Hawke and the movie’s screenplay might be its only chance at Oscar nominations, but if it were up to me, it’d be a frontrunner in every category.

 

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