danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

The Favourite

the-favourite-review2.jpg
Rating: Crispy.

Rating: Crispy.

Formally known as,

My most anticipated

Awards season flick.

 Yes, I just referred to a movie as a “flick” to fit the syllable count of a haiku. Yes, I’m aware we’re far past whatever decade that term was coined and subsequently outdated. Yes, I did pique my own interest about the etymology of “flick,” find an interesting article about its origins as film slang, exit the article, fail to relocate it for the purpose of hyperlinking it to this review and proceed to spend nearly 100 words recounting arguably the most unremarkable three minutes I’ve ever spent on Google. And yes, I still plan to circle back to “The Favourite,” the latest movie from the guy who brought my friends and me some of the most fun we had at the Glenwood Theater in 2016. Starring probably my favorite actress of my generation and directed by the vision behind one of my favorite flicks in recent memory, “The Favourite” was easily my most-anticipated movie of the 2018 Award season. I knew it was going to be pretty damn weird, but when it comes to Yorgos Lanthimos, you have to embrace the weird or you’re gonna have a bad time. But even knowing that, I absolutely hated the first half of “The Favourite.” I found everything about the movie to be excruciatingly unsettling, from the dialogue and events unfolding onscreen to the camera angles and cuts that that I should’ve taken more film classes to be able to identify and interpret. It’s a movie that deliberately does everything to keep you at an arm’s reach. I can’t quite explain it, but where with “The Lobster” I always felt I was in on the joke, I rarely did here, as if I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to or if I was understanding Yorgos Lanthimos’s vision correctly.

But then around 45 minutes in, something snapped into place for me, and I experienced the one of the hardest 180s I’ve ever endured. All of the sudden, everything made sense to me: the fisheye lens shots, the ballroom breakdancing, the dark humor so volcanic that it could erupt from its dormant at any moment. It’s as if someone said, let’s do a movie about the 18th century, but treat it like it’s 2018. I had a eureka moment, and everything that wasn’t coming together for me started to do just that. Like how there’s a scene where lords pelt a naked man resembling James Corden with tomatoes that just goes completely unexplained. I really love how much the movie asked of its viewers to fill in the gaps and just “get” the humor, especially after having everything spoon-fed to me with a spoonful of sugar by Ms. Poppins the other day.

All in all, if you stick with it, “The Favourite” makes for an immensely entertaining experience, and it’s a movie that I’m already excited about returning to in order to pick up on things I didn’t catch the first time. And now that I’ve seen the movie I was most excited for this winter, here’s my current ranking of my favorite movies this year.

MOTY*:

1.     Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

2.     Eighth Grade

3.     Hereditary

4.     Mid90s

5.     First Reformed

 Trailing close behind are The Favourite, A Star Is Born and Blindspotting.

*Note: This list and its order is subject to change at literally every waking moment of the day.

In Theaters, CrispyGuest User