danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Ben Is Back On Beale Street

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Ben is Back: Crispy.If Beale Street Could Talk: Perfectly Toasted.

Ben is Back: Crispy.

If Beale Street Could Talk: Perfectly Toasted.

Oops, I did it ’gain

Got behind on my reviews

Oh, Barry Jenkins…

The real world is hard, and I’m two weeks behind on my reviews again, so please enjoy this double helping of soggy waffles in the form of “Ben Is Back” and “If Beale Street Could Talk.” I saw the former two weeks ago, and while it was a very good showcase of Julia Roberts and Lucas Hedges’ talents, I fear it will fall to the wayside of my movie memories in due time. The latter, however, was instantly one of my favorite movies of the year, and that notion has only crystallized over the past week. Please remove your plastic forks and knives from the wrapper, because it’s time to dig in to some soggy waffles.

 Ben Is Back

Apparently Fall 2018 ’twas the season for Troubled Boys ™ (see: “Beautiful Boy” and “Boy Erased”), two of which were about drugs and two of which starred Lucas Hedges in the titular troubled boy role (not the same two, I might add). “Ben” is the only movie I managed to catch in theaters, and as far as movies about Troubled Boys ™ go, it did not disappoint. It’s everything you hope it will be when you go into a movie like this: well-acted, intense, and most importantly, it makes you feel better about your own life (somebody had to say it!). It’s actually so intense that it doesn’t relent its grasp on you until the final frame, and that’s no doubt an impressive feat for a movie that lands squarely in the drama genre and not thriller or horror. I’ve been trying to avoid saying this about every performance I see during Oscar SZN, but Julia Roberts needs to be nominated for this one like yesterday. She’s crazy good as the mother whose biggest flaw is loving her son, and I’m convinced Lucas Hedges can do no wrong in my eyes. But low-key, Kathryn Newton is the real star of the show here. Whereas Roberts could go all-in with the “love is blind” shtick, Newton had a much trickier tightrope to walk as Ben’s younger sister. As Ivy, she’s as emotionally invested in her brother as her mother, but she’s doubtful of him like her stepfather (Courtney B. Vance). It’s a conflicting role that she seemingly plays with ease, and though I had to look up her name to write this review, I have a feeling she’ll be a household name soon (check her out in “Blockers” if you don’t believe me!)

On the drive home after the movie, my mom turned to me and said she’d do everything Julia Roberts did in the movie for me if she had to. She said it in a lighthearted way, knowing that she would never have to do the things Roberts did, but of course I know she meant it. Even if that comment gone unsaid, there’s no doubt we were both thinking it throughout the movie. If you see this, Karen, I’m very lucky to have you as my mom. I know I joked about it earlier, but addiction is scary and sad as fuck, and movies like this serve as a powerful reminder of that.

If Beale Street Could Talk

Go back through my reviews over the past year, and you’ll see that my biggest struggle as an amateur critic is writing critically about the movies I really liked versus the movies I didn’t. I recently read a very good article from The Ringer about the art of criticism, and why that is. I guess it’s science that 1. Writing scathing reviews gives you a rush of dopamine (hell yeah) and 2. It’s easy to bash something you hated, but it’s harder to defend something you loved. So now, I will do my best to defend “If Beale Street Could Talk,” though I don’t think it needs much on my end.

I didn’t realize this when I saw “Moonlight,” but what’s clear to me now is this: Barry Jenkins makes poetry, not movies. There’s simply no other way to describe it. The way the close-ups linger on characters’ faces, the dreamy nature of star Kiki Layne’s narration. It’s beautiful. He loves his characters, and he implores us to love them, too. And frankly, it’s impossible not to. From the beginning of the movie they all arrive fully-fledged and complex, and no scene encapsulates that better than the pregnancy “celebration” with Tish and Fonny’s family. There are so many emotions and points of view being juggled among the parents and siblings of, and it’s hilarious and awesome to watch them play out. It’s the funniest, most tense and most rewarding scene for the audience of any movie I saw this year, and I ate that shit up. I’d watch “Beale Street” over and over just for this scene alone.

The supporting cast here is deep AF, too. Golden Globe Winner Regina King, Colman Domingo, hell, even Dave Franco shows up in a kippah! They’re all great, and I’d be remiss not to mention Bryan Tyree Henry’s scenes-stealing role as Fonny’s older friend, Daniel. He lends a wisdom and sincerity to his character that blends raw honesty and wit in a way that will surely earn him Oscar attention in the coming weeks.

My mom and sister thought “Beale Street” dragged a little too much for their liking in the middle, and while I’d argue that its dreamlike nature defies typical storytelling conventions, I’ll give them that. It starts really strong and loses a little bit of steam along the way, but it corrects itself by the time it reaches its forgone conclusion. A movie like this isn’t bound to get the sequel treatment, but this is me throwing out my request for one into the ether. I’m not quite done with these characters yet – good thing I’ll be reading the book next!

In Theaters, Crispy, Perfectly ToastedGuest User