danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

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4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

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5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Hereditary

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Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Please, A24:

Take all of my money now,

I’ll see everything.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: for real, everything A24 touches turns to gold. Just whisper those three sweet characters in my ear, and I’m sold. But when it comes to horror movies, I have especially standards because I want so badly to be scared by them but never am. I want to feel the terror, I want the nightmares. The only movie that’s ever delivered on the nightmares is “Changeling,” the 2008 drama starring Angelina Jolie, and it wasn’t even supposed to. That’s my life in a nutshell.

Rest assured, with “Hereditary,” I really, truly felt the terror (and so did the woman screaming behind me), and possibly for the first time ever. How can I be sure? In the last 30 minutes of the movie, I just wanted it to be over because I was so afraid of what might happen next. I’ve never felt like that before, but I loved every second of it.

“Hereditary” is the movie I was most looking forward to this summer, and it’s one I’m going to be thinking about for a long time. There’s so much to unpack, and I already want to see it again. I honestly loved everything about the movie. As most good horror movies are these days, “Hereditary” is a slow burn (so slow that the woman next to me was snoring), lacking the cheap thrills of the jump-out-at-you variety. I tried to go into the movie knowing as little as possible about the plot, but I had heard that Toni Collette is already getting Oscar buzz for her performance, though she may be snubbed a nomination because of the film’s genre. That, to me, is silly, for one because of the success of Get Out last year, but also because of the strength of Hereditary’s story as a family drama. Strip away the scares and there is still a riveting story here; horror elements are just used as a vehicle for deeper meaning, similar to “mother!”, “The Witch” (possibly one of my favorite horror movies ever, also by A24) and “The Babadook.” But unlike “The Babadook,” “Hereditary” doesn’t hit you over the head with its metaphors. I don’t want to spoil anything, but let’s just say the devil is definitely in the details with this one.

In Theaters, Perfectly ToastedGuest User