danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Ocean's 8

oceans8.jpg
Rating: Microwaved.

Rating: Microwaved.

Ocean’s 8 is fine.

Really, it’s a fine movie.

It’s just fine, okay?

I didn’t really care for the fourth installment in Soderbergh’s Danny Ocean universe, but part of that’s my fault. I forgot to see if the movie time would be covered under my Movie Pass and mistakenly presumed it was, but because the theater has a special Dolby sound system, it wasn’t. So not only did I have to pay out of pocket for the ticket, but it cost me $15 to see the movie during the matinee time on a Monday afternoon. A Monday. Afternoon. $15! The sound was incredible (so loud that it vibrates your seats!), but it was really more suited for, I don’t know, something like Hereditary or Star Wars. So yeah, I didn’t exactly start in the right mindset for this one.

My biggest qualm with "Ocean’s 8" is that it felt more procedural than fun, and there’s never any doubt that the Sandra Bullock and her crew’s heist will be successful. There’s never much at stake and no real obstacles; for example, when Helena Bonham Carter’s characters learns that they’ll need a special tool to remove the necklace they aim to steal from Anne Hathaway’s neck, Rihanna’s character just magically happens to have a younger sister who knows the solution to the problem. I know my reviews are short, but that’s just lazy writing.

I also hate when actors and actresses play characters who are significantly dumber than they are in real life, and that seemed to be the case with both Anne Hathaway and Helena Bonham Carter’s characters. How hard is it to write intelligent women into scripts? There was also one quote in the movie from Bullock’s character that rubbed me the wrong way, and I’m curious to know if anyone else caught it. Someone asks her why she doesn’t want any mean on her team, and I’m paraphrasing here, but she says something about how men stand out and women don’t, and this time they can use that to their advantage. That just seems like the wrong message to send in a movie with so many empowering actresses. It really seems like the messaging in this movie should reflect the exact opposite of that sentiment.

But qualms aside, there’s still plenty to enjoy in Ocean’s 8, the highlights including the heist sequence, a solid soundtrack with Amy Winehouse and The Black Keys, as well as Rihanna smoking two fat joints. There’s a handful of funny lines for sure, as well as multiple references to George Clooney’s Danny Ocean, who apparently died before this movie’s events? That never really gets explained (probably so they can set up for a sequel where he’s still alive), but ultimately every reference to my namesake just made me wish I was watching one of the movie’s in the previous trilogy.

In Theaters, MicrowavedGuest User