danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Incredibles 2

incredibles-2-review-768x384.jpg
Rating: Crispy.

Rating: Crispy.

I learned a fun fact!

Director Brad Bird is the

Voice of Edna Mode.

It’s been forever since I last watched The Incredibles, and unlike most of my peers, I never fell head-over-heels for it. As far as Pixar movies goes, my allegiances lie with "Toy Story" and "A Bug’s Life." So while I haven’t spent the last 14 years yearning to return to the world of the Parr family (I had to Google their last name), I nonetheless enjoyed the sequel, though it did seem a bit misguided.

I saw "Incredibles 2" on a Saturday night, my first Saturday night in San Francisco alone after my mom left for home after a weekend of exploring the city and moving me in to my summer apartment. Naturally, I was hoping for Incredibles 2 to be Pixar at its most melancholy, and while the actual movie was relatively short on the emotions that elevate the best Pixar movies to Instant Classic status (read: Coco and Inside Out), the short film Bao that preceded it really hit home. If you happened to be at the Presidio Theatre at the 8:40 showing of Incredibles 2 last Saturday, you would’ve found me in the back row sobbing into my sweatshirt sleeve. So thank you for that, Pixar.

Despite the lack of a strong emotional core, everything you’ve heard about Incredibles 2 and know about Pixar is on full display here: the top-notch action sequences, the superior animation and the stellar voice-acting. Bob Odenkirk has become one of my favorite actors as of late, and once he’s done riding the Saul Goodman wave, I think he could really make a name for himself in animated flicks. Of course, if that’s something he’s interested in. But Jack-Jack and Edna Mode (Brad Bird) are the real standouts here. Jack-Jack is a scene-stealer by himself, and together they are comedic gold, honestly worth the price of admission alone. 

Perhaps my biggest qualm with Incredibles 2 is that it never answered the question that I seem to be the only one to be asking. And that is, why? Why make a sequel to Incredibles 2, and why do it 14 years later? I’m sure there was a good reason (and I hope it’s not just that Millennials will pay the big bucks for a stroll down memory lane), but the plot they went with didn’t seem compelling enough to justify its existence. Mr. Incredible does Mr. Mom while Elastigirl does PR for superheroes. Was that sentence as unexciting to read as it was for me to type? Don’t get me wrong, Incredibles 2 has its moments and is a fun movie overall, I can’t help but feel like there was a better story to tell here.

In Theaters, CrispyGuest User