danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Thoroughbreds (and more!)

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Sorry I’m behind,

Finals and graduating

Really set me back!

While I still found time to see movies during a very hectic April and May, I slacked on writing the reviews. So before I get to “Thoroughbreds,” here are my thoughts on some recent releases that I haven’t previously posted:

Peter Rabbit: On a scale of 1 to Paddington, it’s a Paddington 2.

Isle of Dogs: It’s Wes Anderson, what’s not to love? But of course I’m going to compare it to Fantastic Mr. Fox, though that isn’t fair to either film. But Fox is better.

You Were Never Really Here: Absolute, pure garbage. There was absolutely nothing redeeming about this movie. Save your money and your time. I wish I had “never really been” in the theater for this one.

Infinity War: I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about this one given that I’m usually not a fan of the overcrowded crowd-pleasing superhero fanfare, but “Infinity War” was thoroughly enjoyable from start to finish. I surprised myself with how much I liked it.

Deadpool 2: Very fun(ny), possibly better than the original. Put Julian Dennison in anything and I will enjoy it infinitely more.

Okay. Now let’s get to Thoroughbreds. I missed this one when it was in theaters but made sure not to make the same mistake when it hit streaming services last week. And now I have myself wondering, is May too soon for me to pick my favorite movie of the year? I know I’ll eat my words for that later, but I have nothing but the highest praise for Thoroughbreds. Give it all the Indie Spirit awards or whatever, please.

For starters, Thoroughbreds is laugh-out-loud hilarious. Anya Taylor-Joy is nothing but pure joy onscreen, and she lowkey might one of my favorite actresses right now. I loved her in “The Witch” and even more in “Split,” but she really seals the deal for me in this one. And then there’s Anton Yelchin. RIP to another actor who might have gone on to be one of the greatest of our generation. You can’t miss him in one of his last performances ever.

And while I’ve made it clear that I don’t know shit about the technicalities of cinematography, Thoroughbreds is beautifully shot. Every scene I was just like, “Damn, this is beautiful.” So to whoever is responsible for that, thank you.

I’m keeping this review short and sweet, but I cannot stress enough how much I loved Thoroughbreds. Run, don’t walk to your basement Apple TV to rent this one.

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