Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

A Quiet Place

The scariest thing.

I’ve seen with John Krasinski,

Since License to Wed.

I mean, come on, “License to Wed” was scary bad.

On the other hand, “A Quiet Place” was scary good. It won’t keep you wide awake at night by any means, but it’ll have you on the edge of your seat in the moment. Especially the birthing scene. That’s got to be the best use of a bathroom setting in a horror movie since “Psycho.”

When I first saw previews for “A Quiet Place,” I kept thinking I was watching a trailer for a movie adaption of “The Last of Us.” While this movie does have some things in common with the video game about a man escorting a teenage girl across a post-apocalyptic United States in which cannibalistic creatures ravage the earth, “A Quiet Place” is something wholly its own.

I’m pretty picky when it comes to horror movies, but I loved “A Quiet Place” not just for the way it turns sound into a weapon, but because the aliens are truly frightening. Director John Krasinski makes it clear from the beginning that they aren’t fucking around, and he also knows that the longer we wait to get a glimpse of what these bad boys really look like, the better.

“A Quiet Place” also works so well because, at a 90 minute runtime, it never lingers. Right as the premise started to feel drawn out, the credits rolled. And while its abrupt ending will certainly strike different chords with different people, I definitely thought it was a smart call. My friend and I often joke that, we aren’t the filmmakers, so who the hell are we to judge when they decide to end the movie?

In Theaters, CrispyGuest UserApril 16, 2018