danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Blockers

blockers1.jpg
Rating: Microwaved.

Rating: Microwaved.

“Is it called Blockers?

Or is it called Cock Blockers?

Whatever, I’ll skip.”

These were the thoughts that went through my mind every time I saw a preview for “Blockers” leading up to its release. I was very confused by the stylized rooster that was always placed in front of the title, and I honestly thought “Blockers” looked like one of the dumbest movies of 2018. So how did I end up at a Saturday night showing of the film when there are like a million other movies in theaters right now that I would have rather seen first? Movie Pass, that’s how. And you know what? I’m happy to report that “Blockers” far exceeded my expectations. It wasn’t always uproarious, and while the premise of parents trying to stop their daughters from having sex on prom night felt like it was stretched pretty thin at times, it also made for a pretty fun lighthearted gross-out comedy. Nothing here is revolutionary, but it all works.

“Blockers” is the type of raunchy R-rated comedy that my Bubby would describe as “cute.” That’s because it was surprisingly character-driven, and these performances are actually pretty great. For starters, I love Leslie Mann and will support anything she does, and John Cena gives The Rock a run for his money as a pro-wrestler-turned-actor with comedic chops. I could have done without Ike Barinholtz as the alcoholic dad, however. I’m just not sold on him yet. Maybe he’ll grow on me one day. But while I didn’t love all the parents in the movie, I did love all the kids. The girls all felt authentic, their teenage struggles real and their friendships genuine. I especially thought Kayla (Geraldine Viswanathan) and Connor (Miles Robbins) were hilarious, and I hope to see more of them in the future. So, while “Blockers” probably (hopefully!) won’t prove to be my favorite comedy of the year, I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it. You don’t have to run to catch this one, but I’m not exactly saying you should walk, either.

In Theaters, MicrowavedGuest User