danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Ready Player One

ready-player-one-1.jpg
Rating: Microwaved.

Rating: Microwaved.

The Oasis rocks!

But I’d prefer less time there,

And more in the Stacks.

Leading up to its end-of-March release date, I saw a lot of criticism thrown at “Ready Player One” for trailers that burst at the seams with ’80s nostalgia and blink-and-you’ll-miss-them pop culture references. As a big fan of Ernest Cline’s novel, as well as all-things nostalgia, this didn’t concern me in the slightest. For me, the more pop culture references the better. What did concern me, however, is how a book I loved from years ago would be translated to the big screen. Sometimes when a book on my shelf is turned into a movie, I’ll reread it before the movie comes out so I’m refreshed on the plot. It’s a bad habit of mine because I’m much more critical of the movie version when the book is fresher in my mind, so I opted not to reread the book this time around. With Steven Spielberg helming the project, I really didn’t think I had much to worry about, and I’m happy to report that that is largely still true.

Overall, I thought “Ready Player One” was a lot of damn fun, and while I understand why so many changes were made from page to screen (this Forbes article also helped me come to terms with them), I was bummed by the byproducts of some of these changes. For example, I completely understand why a movie that’s already 2 hours and 20 minutes long would cut out as much exposition at the beginning of the film as possible, but doing so makes Wade Watts a significantly less interesting protagonist and downplays the real-world stakes of what’s happening in the Oasis. As a result I think a lot of the world-building that’s imperative for dystopian adventures to work was lost in translation.

Casting-wise, I was disappointed by both Mark Rylance and T.J. Miller. I know Spielberg is a big fan of Rylance, but his portrayal of James Halliday was far from how I imagined Halliday to be in the book. He was very introverted, sure, but Rylance treats him as if he was practically incapable of forming sentences. And maybe I just don’t’ like TJ Miller (I don’t), but I think he was the wrong choice for a bounty hunter. He was too goofy to feel like any real threat whenever his character was onscreen, and I also just don’t think he’s that funny.

But while I had my qualms, please don’t let my “Microwaved” rating fool you. I really did enjoy “Ready Player One,” and I had a ton of fun spotting all the pop culture references, especially the Silver Cup Studios sign in the race at the beginning of the movie (Silver Cup Studios is where many New York-based movies and TV shows are filmed, and I got to work on the set of a Citi commercial there this summer!). If you haven’t read the book, I highly recommend the movie, and if you have, just remember that every change happens for a reason.  

Microwaved, In TheatersGuest User