danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Home for the Holidays – J. Cole

MarriageStorySubway.jpg

It’s not a contest

But like if I had to pick:

Uncut Gems. Hands down. 

I found myself at AMC a lot the holidays. Like a lot, a lot. What else do people do with their families over the holidays? And when I wasn’t at the theater, I was catching up on all the now-streaming awards contenders I missed this year. What else am I supposed to do with my family over the holidays? 

(In order of appearance on my Letterboxd Diary)

Marriage Story

Can you name another 15-year-old as ecstatic as me to find a copy of “The Squid and the Whale” at Half Price Books? Needless to say, I’m a Noah Baumbach fan. And while I may have liked “Meyerowitz Stories” a smidge more, I’m very excited for all the critical acclaim swirling around Baumbach, “Marriage Story” and the cast. It’s a movie that demands to be watched more than once, and since I’ve only seen it once, I’ll call it Crispy with serious Perfectly Toasted potential. And let me just say that, while the leads are very much deserving of the praise coming their way, Merritt Wever was the true standout for me. After “Unbelievable” and now Marriage Story, she’s on a Netflix roll.

Rating: Crispy. 

The Irishman

With “The Irishman,” what you expect is what you get. Great performances by Robert De Niro, Joe Pesci and Al Pacino? Check. A well-made mob caper from the guy who does them best? Check. A runtime the equivalent of one-fourth of your day (we’re talking waking hours here)? Another check. While this is surely the checklist to someone else’s wet dream, to me it’s just a checklist. I found The Irishman to be a bit of a snooze, though I did perk up when Ray Romano donned a stunning blue tux for his daughter’s wedding. Also: Action Bronson. 

Rating: Microwaved. 

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

I’m a Star Wars fan, but not like that. I show up for the movies, I’ll read the fan theories for a few days while the move is fresh in my mind, and then poof! The major plot points evaporate from my brain entirely. So while I don’t give much of a shit about which characters go on adventures together and which characters get sidelined, I do give a shit about how Star Wars plays as a movie. And while I enjoyed “The Rise of Skywalker” far more than Twitter led me to believe I would, I was disappointed by how low stakes everything felt. When there was a problem – big or small – it was solved almost immediately. There was no intensity, no emotional weight, no time to sit with anything unfolding on-screen.At least Babu Frik is a cutie. 

Rating: Microwaved. 

Uncut Gems

It’s not a contest, but if all the movies I saw over the holidays were competing against each other for something like an award that honors artistic and technical achievements in film, “Uncut Gems” would win, no question. This comes as a shock to me, as I really, really really did not like the Safdies’ last outing, “Good Time.” It was so grimy that I felt like I needed a shower after leaving the theater. I didn’t feel like prescribing myself a good soak after Uncut Gems, but my mom did go around prescribing Xanax to everyone at the showing after us. Yes, it really is as intense as everyone says, and yes, Adam Sandler is a revelation. It’s the most unapologetically Jewish movie to hit the mainstream in years (don’t quote me), but I loved it because it’s Jewish in a cultural, lived-in way that has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. It’s not every day that we see Passover traditions like hiding the Afikomen and reading the 10 plagues on the big screen, and while my friend’s sister was concerned about the movie’s portrayal of Jews, I was not at all (this also comes as a shock to me, as usually I’m the one with the concerns). I don’t believe Sandler’s character was a bad Jew; rather, he was a man behaving badly who also happened to be Jewish. If you don’t get the difference, then Uncut Gems probably won’t be for you.

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Little Women

“Little Women” is a good old-fashioned, they-don’t-make-em-like-this-anymore, capital ‘M’ Masterpiece. It is a pure delight for it’s 135-minute runtime, an absolute pleasure to sit through. There is not a doubt in my mind that the 2020s will belong to Florence Pugh. She owned “Midsommar,” she rules here and she’s going to steal the spotlight in Marvel’s upcoming “Black Widow.” Insert Change My Mind meme here. 

Rating: Perfectly Toasted. 

High Life

Part of me wants to rewatch “High Life” at the next chance I get. Part of me wants to “Eternal Sunshine” it from my memory and never think about it again. Probably going to roll with the latter. 

Rating: Microwaved. 

Knives Out

YOOO. Is it a spoiler alert to say that “Knives Out” isn’t the movie you think it is? Probably, so I’m not going to say that. I’m not going to say anything. Like “Parasite,” I recommend going in as blind as you can. It’s so delightfully subversive and fun. It’s campy, but not as campy as I expected. I say this because my coworker and dear friend, Brendan, was turned away by the campiness of the trailers. So if you’re like Brendan and you don’t like camp, I promise that its campiness isn’t overwhelming. It’s just the right amount of camp for a good time.I would know, because I hate camping. 

Rating: Crispy. 

The Souvenir

An absolute slog. I do not recommend. In the words of Young Thug and Lil Baby, bad bad bad. 

Rating: Frozen.

Dolemite Is My Name

I slept on “Dolemite Is My Name,” and while I’d still pass it up for something more pressing on my list, it’s undeniably a great way to spend a night in. If you’re a fan of HBO’s “The Deuce,” you’ll find a lot to like here. Now that I think about it, it really plays like if The Deuce were condensed into a two-hour movie, and instead of David Simon at the helm and James Franco in front of the camera, it’s just Eddie Murphy doing Eddie Murphy things. And that’s nice. Murphy honestly couldn’t have picked a better comeback vehicle. 

Rating: Microwaved. 

Bombshell

Me before the movie: Fuck Fox News. Fuck Megyn Kelly. Fuck Gretchen Carlson. 

Me after the movie: Fuck Fox News Fuck Megyn Kelly. Fuck Gretchen Carlson. But also, life is complicated.

I was hesitant to see “Bombshell” because of how it makes heroes out of people who are really just the lesser of two evils, and while I believe this criticism is still valid, I think Bombshell is surprisingly emotionally layered and does a solid job of capturing how people aren’t as black and white as they seem. I wasn’t a fan of the “Big Short” narration style, but luckily the script only heavily relies on this method of storytelling at the beginning. When done right, the results are funny and informative. Otherwise, it comes off as gimmicky. Let’s leave it in the last decade. 

Rating: Microwaved.

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