danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

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2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

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3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

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4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

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5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

The King of Staten Island (and some other things)

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For someone who claims to love movies as much as yours truly, I’ve caught surprisingly few flicks over the past few months. And of the few I have watched, I haven’t felt compelled to write about them. That is…

Until now.

Because I just realized the last movie I reviewed was Trolls World Tour, and I can’t let that be the first review people see when they come to Soggy Waffles. I also just wrapped up a freelance gig writing for Xbox, which means I need to start reviews again so the curious creative directors who stumble onto my site will be impressed by my ǝlʇsnɥ ǝpıs.

So since I don’t have much to say on the subject of movies right now, here’s everything (in addition to a few flicks) that I’ve been enjoying over the past few months:

The King of Staten Island (Crispy)

Choo choo, all aboard the Pete Davidson train. If you like Judd Apatow and Pete Davidson, you’ll love The King of Staten Island. If you don’t like Judd Apatow but like Pete Davidson, you’ll probably still like The King of Staten Island. But if you like Judd Apatow and you don’t like The King of Staten Island, then maybe don’t watch the Pete Davidson movie.

Jennifer’s Body – (Crispy)

No one eats only half of a waffle, so I don’t do half-waffle ratings. But I’ll round up here and call this one Crispy. I’d never seen Jennifer’s Body before, but I really wish I had when it first came out so that I could feel nostalgic about it now. It’s good fun. Will rewatch in October.

Better Things (Perfectly Toasted)

I re-watched the first three seasons of Better Things in preparation for the latest season, and I firmly believe Better Things is the best half-hour comedy on television. I feel lucky to be alive at the same time as Pamela Adlon.

Don’t Call us Dead (Perfectly Toasted)

I also feel extremely lucky to be alive at the same time as Danez Smith. I won’t pretend I remember everything I learned about poetry in AP Lit, but Don’t Call Us Dead is far and away the greatest collection of poems I’ve ever read.

13 Reasons Why (Crispy)

Say what you want about this show (and I know there’s a lot to say), but I fucking love 13 Reasons Why. Every season is more outlandish than the last, and while it is admittedly sometimes so egregious that its faults can’t be ignored – it’s great TV, and that’s all I have to say.

NO DREAM (Perfectly Toasted)

It’s disgusting how much music I consume music these days and how little time I really spend with an album. It’s the gift and curse of streaming, but I’m not here to discuss how my relationship with music has changed thanks to Spotify. I am here to tell you that NO DREAM by Jeff Rosenstock will be in my top three of 2020, if not number one. I’ve been listening to it nonstop since I first checked it out in May, and although I keep trying to listen to new shit instead, NO DREAM keeps pulling me back.

Now Streaming, Crispy, Perfectly ToastedGuest User