danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Trolls World Tour

trolls2.jpg
Rating: Frozen.

Rating: Frozen.

I’ve broken this rule dozens of times in the two years since I started Soggy Waffles, but I try to stay sober when watching a movie I plan to review. Because when I drink, I forget, and when I’m high, I’m overly critical. But this is “Trolls World Tour,” and rules were made to be broken.

Let me start by saying that I think the first “Trolls” is a stoner masterpiece. There’s nothing not to love about it, from its colorfully trippy sequences, catchy song and dance numbers (both the original music and covers are bangers) to its all-star, evidently game cast. It’s fun for the whole family, and especially fun for two 21-year-olds getting high and killing an afternoon on a rainy summer day in Manhattan. Trolls World Tour, though? Trolls World Tour made me want to gut my eyes, cut off my ears and Eternal-Sunshine Anna Kendrick from my memory. Well, with the exception of “Up in the Air.” Now, *that’s* a movie.

All I can say is, the folks behind Trolls World Tour better hope the Razzie’s get canceled this year, because this is far and away the top contender for worst movie of the year. The plot is rancid: Rock is the enemy ­– what is this, 1954? It’s 2020, hard lines between genres don’t exist anymore. Worse still, the music numbers, which are supposed to be the highlight of the movie, are just abysmal. The last movie struck the perfect chord with song choices that were both nostalgic and relevant, but everything here is mildly amusing at best, frustratingly stale at worst.

And remember how Can’t Stop The Feeling! was the centerpiece of Trolls number one, and also one of the biggest songs of the decade? Well, JT chases that song’s success with the SZA duet, The Other Side, but it just doesn’t muster the same magic. It’s certainly catchier than anything else featured in the movie, but I can’t imagine it’ll even stick around through the summer.

In truth, the same can be said for Trolls World Tour as a whole: It’s got all the shine and gloss of the first movie (it still earns a 10/10 Trippy Rating), but it’s largely forgettable. And now that we all have all the time in the world to consume content, studios are going to have to do better to earn our attention.

P.S. Were the five seconds Brass Monkey horns really necessary? WTF. Which Beastie signed off on this – Mike, Adam? Make it a whole song number or don’t. Do better, Boys.

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