Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Onward

Call it a letdown

But then you would’ve had to

Have expectations.

If there’s one thing we can all agree on during these trying times, it’s that your guttural reaction to Pixar’s first movie of the year, “Onward,” was or will be a big fat “Meh.” But what’s particularly confounding isn’t that Pixar kicked off the decade with such a mediocre entry into their canon – it’s why they want (or at least planned) to release two movies in the same year with such similar storylines. Thankfully, “Soul” does look like the better of the two, but only time will tell if it is. And since time is a construct being brought to its knees by COVID-19, it won’t be long we get to find out (assuming it gets a VOD release).

I drank far too much chardonnay while watching Onward to make sense of the notes I took. So instead of a proper review, here’s a list of 10 Things I Could Have Done Instead of Watch Onward.

10 Things I Could Have Done Instead of Watch Onward

10. Catch up on Season 3 of “Westworld,” which I have yet to start.

9. Read “Watchmen.”

8. Work off the debt I owe Tom Nook for the loan on my first house.

7. Take a brisk walk around the cul-de-sac.

6. Online shop for puzzles, Funfetti mix and conditioner.

5. Dust off the old keyboard my dad got at a garage sale that no one ever touched.

4. Put new batteries in said keyboard.

3. Play some random notes on the keyboard and think about actually learning how to play.

2. Put keyboard back in the basement.

1. “Work on my portfolio.”

Now Streaming, FrozenGuest UserApril 6, 2020