danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Mission: Impossible – Fallout

mission-impossible-fallout-2.jpg
Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

What’s impossible

Is seeing MI: Fallout

And not having fun.

And believe it or not, Movie Pass almost prevented me from having all of this fun. But I bit the bullet and paid a whopping $14 for a Sunday matinee ticket, which is nearly double what I pay monthly for a Movie Pass and more than I’ve spent collectively at the movies since December. But it was worth every penny to see everyone’s favorite Scientologist scale buildings and hijack helicopters on the big screen, and I regret not seeing “Mission: Impossible – Fallout” two weeks ago when it first came out. So nice try Movie Pass, but fuck you. I encourage everyone to see Fallout while it’s still in theaters.

There are certain moments from previous Mission: Impossible movies that will forever be ingrained in my mind: the vault scene from the first movie, scaling the building in “Ghost Protocol,” and now the bathroom fight in Fallout. Although only two of these movies share a director (Christopher McQuarrie directed Rogue Nation as well), they all have plenty in common: they’re shot beautifully, choreographed brilliantly and endlessly creative in the perilous situations they devise for our hero to escape. Plus, will anyone ever have as much swagger as Tom Cruise playing Ethan Hunt when he’s about to jump from an airplane, or speed through Paris on a motorcycle going against traffic? Probably not. Cruise is a capital B-A-D-A-S-S BADASS, and he makes it look so easy. At 55, he’s still doing his own stunts! He really must have some special Scientology gods watching over him.

For real though, Fallout is undoubtedly the most fun you’ll have at the movies this year. Don’t fact check me on this, but it’s got to have the best Tom Cruise running: runtime ratio of any movie to come out this summer, and the chase sequences come fast and hit hard. It kept me on the edge of my seat for so long that it made two point five hours feel like two minutes, and at one point I considered checking my Apple Watch to see my heart rate. I rarely get the urge to jump out of my seat and clap at the end of a movie, but I did for Fallout. Maybe when I see the next Mission: Impossible, I actually will.

In Theaters, Perfectly ToastedGuest User