danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Eighth Grade

eighth grade2.jpg
Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Eighth Grade’s a must watch

For anyone in Eighth Grade

And those beyond it.

Bo Burnham first came into my life during my freshman (actually sophomore?) year of high school. Just two songs in to his “Words, Words, Words” special on Netflix, I knew I had just stumbled into something amazing. I got my best friends hooked on Bo, and two years later, we saw him live at the Midland on his “what.” tour.

My aforementioned best friends have been my best friends since I was in diapers, but we attended different elementary and middle schools that funneled into the same high school. Middle school was hard for me because, while I had plenty of friends, my best friends were never around until the weekend. I had to endure weekday social activities like lunch, assemblies and playing for the eighth grade basketball team with people I liked but wasn’t as close with, without the comfort that comes with the people you truly feel like you can be yourself with at all times. So unlike Kayla (played by the heartbreakingly amazing Elsie Fisher), I was fortunate enough to have people at school that I could call my friends. But like Kayla, I rarely ever felt comfortable in my own skin.

Meeting Bo after his what. show!

Meeting Bo after his what. show!

No matter what your middle school horror stories look like, there’s plenty in “Eighth Grade” that resonates with everyone. It’s not just centered around one traumatic coming-of-age moment, but the little everyday things that just make the middle school experience suck so much. It perfectly paints a portrait of what it’s like to be a middle schooler in 2018, down to the most minute details like a Hamilton calendar in Kayla’s bedroom, an old “Lego Movie” ticket stub, and an active shooter drill that takes place during one of Kayla’s classes. I only graduated from high school four years ago, and while we practiced our fair share of Code Red drills, we never learned anything about active shooters. Phones and social media play a big role in “Eighth Grade,” but the movie never judges Kayla and her peers for their screen usage; it’s just part of their lives.

Of course, “Eighth Grade” is about more than just the middle school experience. It’s about things changing and how you don’t know what the future will bring and how that should be more exciting than scary. That’s a timeless message, and one that I really needed to hear right now, as I’m going through a lot of the same things in San Francisco as Kayla – making friends at work, figuring out where I fit in in this new city, choosing sometimes to be quiet even though I’m extremely talkative around my friends.

I’ve heard people say they’re surprised that Bo Burnham was able to make a movie like this because it isn’t as funny as his standup material, but I look at this movie and see Bo’s signature all over it. He’s always been perfect at nailing gestures for comedic timing, and that’s evident from the very beginning of “Eighth Grade,” when a kid making a tower with markers is just shocked, saddened and resigned when his creation crumbles, all within a matter of seconds. I’ve always loved Bo’s work because it’s clever and hilarious, but it also has this dark, cynical undertone that’s hard to miss if you’re looking for it. If anything, I’d say that “Eighth Grade” feels less like anything Bo’s ever done because it’s actually more hopeful than cynical.

The best coming-of-age movies aren't just able to perfectly capture a generation, but also transcend it. I wear it on my life sleeve that I’m a sucker for any and all coming-of-age movies, but “Eighth Grade” was unlike other recent standouts (“Lady Bird,” even “Boyhood”) because of how much I found myself caring for Kayla and rooting for her. Whether she’s going to the popular girl’s pool party or going to the mall with some high school seniors, you just want her to be okay.  Sitting in the theater, I kept thinking about how relatable this movie will still be twenty years from now, even when people are half cyborg with phone chips implanted in their brains.

As my sister gets ready to leave for college in the next few weeks, I’m hoping that “Eighth Grade” is going to do for her and the rest of Generation Z what “Boyhood” did for me four years ago, as I was leaving for college. It was powerful to see such a real and relatable growing up experience play out onscreen, and it calmed a lot of the nerves I was feeling about leaving my childhood behind for college. Most of all, I hope this was as cathartic for Bo to make as it will be for people to watch of all ages for generations to come.

 

In Theaters, Perfectly ToastedGuest User