danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Ant-Man and the Wasp

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Rating: Microwaved.

Rating: Microwaved.

A miniscule blip

In the Marvel Universe

For better, and worse.

There are two ‘F’ words that come to mind when I think of the first “Ant-Man” movie: fun and forgettable. I remember feeling like the Paul Rudd vehicle was a pleasant, light-hearted diversion from the craziness of the rest of the MCU, but I could tell you anything about its plot? Not really. I don’t even remember if T.I. was in the first, and if he wasn’t, what the hell was he doing in the sequel? My biggest takeaway from “Ant-Man and the Wasp” is similar to that of its predecessor: there’s a whole lot to like here, but not much to love. It’s fun and forgettable, plain and simple.

I’ve been trying to stay away from movie reviews when I know I’ll be writing about the same movie at a later date (so as not to taint my own writing, of course), but I did see critics talking about how there isn’t a villain in the traditional Marvel sense, and that’s definitely one of the sequel’s strengths. With lower stakes and a more relaxed tone, the Ant-Man series is a lot different than the bloated Marvel movies of late, so it’s nice to see a diversion in the plotting as well. Just like the first movie (I think, I really don’t remember the first one if I haven’t made that clear enough), the most inspired scenes are the shrunken sequences, when Ant-Man is, you know, ant size. The sequence at Lang’s (Rudd) daughter’s school was easily the funniest, and every “miniature” moment of action are anything but.

Some of the most fun I had during “Ant-Man and the Wasp” was pointing out all the San Francisco locations that I recognized after living here for a month. But beyond that, there wasn’t much that made me excited about what was to come next. The only thing that kept me on the edge of my seat during was the Peet’s coffee that I downed before the movie started, and while I always try to hold it when I have to pee during a movie (my Bubby will never forget how three-year-old me ran out of the credits of “Tarzan” in a blaze of glory, just barely making it in time to the bathroom), I left “the Wasp” twice to go the bathroom. Twice. I know I said that I appreciated the low stakes of this movie, but I mean, these stakes seemed really low. I had a similar critique about “Incredibles 2” earlier this summer, in that the plot of this movie made me question who why this story demanded a sequel. There just seems like there should be better stories to tell than this one.

In Theaters, MicrowavedGuest User