danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Honey Boy

honey2.jpg
Rating: Crispy.

Rating: Crispy.

Watching Honey Boy.

Might ruin Even Stevens.

Proceed with caution.  

Hola, creative directors and old J-school flames checking in on my site. Sorry to have kept you waiting while the world burns. Lots has happened since I last posted a review. I quit my job, went to Vegas for the first time, moved to LA and (temporarily) moved back home to weather this pandemic with family and friends. The bad news is I’m jobless and can’t blow any more cash on Yeezys or a Nintendo Switch. The good news is I have more time to watch movies. Woo!

First up on my quarantine watchlist: “Honey Boy.” I was bummed I didn’t catch this one in theaters as I don’t remember a time in my life without Shia LaBeouf in it, but subconsciously I think I held off seeing it so as not to ruin Even Stevens for myself. I’ve had it on repeat since I got my sister a Disney+ account for her birthday (one of my greatest character flaws is my tendency to buy gifts for people that I also benefit from), and I knew that a film exploring Shia LaBeouf’s offscreen childhood traumas might muddy the show for me a bit.  So the question undoubtedly on your mind now is, did it? Well, yes and no. Probably? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I haven’t watched an episode since I watched the movie. I don’t think Honey Boy will affect how I view Even Stevens, but it does peel back another layer of the enigma that is Shia LaBeouf.

“Honey Boy” is certainly not the first coming-of-age movie about confronting the demons of one’s childhood, but it’s unique in that the making of the movie is the biggest confrontation in itself. Not only is Honey Boy written by LaBeouf, but he also stars in the movie as his own father. I mean, shit. I can’t imagine penning a screenplay about the traumas inflicted by my parents on me in my youth, let alone playing the role of my dad But then again, there’s a lot of things LaBeouf has done that I can’t imagine myself doing. Shia LaBeouf isn’t for everyone, and neither is his movie. But if you like coming-of-age movies, there’s a lot to like here. Noah Jupe is magnetic in the titular role, and while I first questioned Lucas Hedges as the teenage version of the LaBeouf character (If you’ve read my reviews, you know I love Lucas. I just couldn’t see it.) but he perfectly captures his mannerisms and dialect. Hedges is great at making you feel the emotions he’s feeling, and here his expressions of anger are palpable. It’s impossible not to walk away from Honey Boy with a deeper appreciation for LaBeouf, or at least a better understanding of why he is the way he is. I do wish Honey Boy had been longer – I could have spent nine hours with these characters instead of just the movie’s 90.  Shia, if you’re reading this, I’d love a miniseries. Thanks in advance!

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