danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

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4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Thanksgiving Ketchup

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Rating: Microwaved–Crispy

Rating: Microwaved–Crispy

Fuck I got busy

Watching a lot of movies

Over Thanksgiving.

In what probably isn’t a record for me but is definitely getting up there, I watched nearly a movie a day over the past week and a half. And because I’m a working man now with a full-time job (I’ve joined the “rat race,” as my dickhead dad reminded me mere seconds after signing my offer), I don’t have time to write six reviews for this blog that only I, and the occasional recruiter, read. Actually I do have time, but I’d rather spend it playing the best video game ever or reading the Stephen King memoir that my new work friend Sara just lent me. So after further adieu, let’s see what’s Soggy and what’s not!

Widows. “Widows” was bookended by one of my favorite opening sequences in recent memory and a heart-stopping heist that almost redeems the middling middle. Like a good Gillian Flynn novel (I just read Sharp Objects, so I’m a Gillian Flynn expert), it’s really engaging when you’re in the thick of it but starts to unravel when you start asking questions. I will be returning for a second viewing, if only to see the legendary Brian Tyree Henry kill it outside of the “Atlanta” universe. Rating: Crispy.

Instant Family. The highest compliment you can give a Mark Wahlberg family vehicle is that it’s watchable, and watchable “Instant Family” is. It’s not the best movie you’ll ever see with Rose Byrne as a new mom or (probably) the best movie about adoption to be released in 2018 (I still haven’t gotten to it, so I can’t say for sure!), but it’s not bad. Really! Rating: Microwaved.

Never Goin’ Back. Is “Never Goin’ Back” the “Mystic Pizza” of our generation? I wouldn’t know because I’ve never seen Mystic Pizza, but it is one of my mom’s favorite movies. What I can say is that I thoroughly enjoyed Never Goin’ Back, and low-key it has one of the most debatable endings since Christopher Nolan mind-fucked us with a spinning top. Rating: Crispy.

Hot Summer Nights. A movie starring Timothée Chalamet as a budding drug dealer (budding, get it?) in the heat of summer 1991 should be more fun than this. At first I thought its measly 44% on Rotten Tomatoes was a flaw in the system, but the movie does its damndest to wipe away everything I liked about it in the last 30 minutes. Rating: Microwaved.

Searching. “Searching” is what happens when “Unfriended” and “Taken” meet for a passionate tryst in the back of a screenwriter’s mind, and that screenwriter happens to have an intense fascination with an angry John Cho. Searching is clever, but not as clever as it thinks it is. This is a spoiler-free zone, but if you can read between the lines, I’ll just say Searching is one movie that really could have benefited from an R-rating. Rating: Crispy.

In Theaters, Now Streaming, Crispy, MicrowavedGuest User