danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Us

us 1.png
Rating: Crispy.

Rating: Crispy.

If you haven’t seen

Us in theaters yet then don’t

Continue reading.

WARNING: Spoiled waffles ahead.

SERIOUSLY, WARNING: I’m not trying to be cute. In, the next, next sentence, I’m going to reveal some shit.

LAST WARNING: The next sentence is going to spoil the whole move for you, so stop fucking reading if you don’t want to get “Us” fucking spoiled for you.

Nah, I was just playing, but this is going to be a hard movie to talk about without spoiling because so much of how I felt about it is contingent upon how I feel about that twist of an ending. And, well, some people argue that even telling people about the existence of a twist is a spoiler in itself, so it turns out I wasn’t just playing! A spoiler in the next, next sentence, just like I said. I’m on my Stephen King shit tonight. I saw Us only an hour ago, and there’s still a lot I have to process. Usually I like to read up on a movie that needs explaining before I review it, but I’m going to try something different this time. Instead, I’ll give my pre-Reddit thoughts and my post-Reddit thoughts after I get some things cleared up. Because Us is one of those movies that raises a ton of questions and doesn’t bother to answer the majority of them. Which is sometimes my thing and sometimes isn’t. I’m not sure how I feel about this one, yet.

As a horror movie, I thought Us was effectively scary for the first 30 minutes or so, or at least for however long it took for the Tethered people (see, spoilers!) to break in to their house. So it was pretty good as a home-invasion movie, but less so when it became a government-experiment-apocalypse, or whatever-the-fuck it became. Is it scarier than “Get Out,” you ask? I thought it would be based on the previews, but ultimately I don’t think it was any scarier. More violent, maybe, but I need to re-watch Get Out to really compare since it’s been like two years now since I saw it in theaters. Us was arguably scarier since it centers on a family with two young kids, but other than that, it was probably about the same. That’s definitely one thing Us has going for it, though: It makes you want to re-watch Get Out.

As a comedy, Us was pretty damn hilarious. The kids were equally comedic and fearful, and so was Winston Duke. And of course, no review about Us can be written without mentioning Lupita Nyong’o’s performance. Toni Collette ran last year so that Lupita can walk across the Oscar stage for a best actress performance in a horror movie this year. She kills it as the real version of herself and the creepy version of herself. I also love that Jordan Peele is creating this new comedy/horror genre with his own unique sensibilities and sense of humor. Of course this isn’t the first time that comedy and horror have blended. Wes Craven was doing the same thing, and “Scream” is my favorite horror series of all time, but that was a different type of humor. It was built on self-awareness, and Us isn’t. It’s just funny.

So all in all, I didn’t think Us was that scary, but it was a genuinely funny comedy. The plot twist was pleasantly unexpected, though it doesn’t seem like it would hold up on repeat viewings. When I stopped viewing the movie as a horror film and instead as a hybrid comedy, my enjoyment level immediately shot up. I’m going to read up on it now and see how I feel about it after I get some shit explained.

Post-Internet

Alright, I’ve only read through a few posts, and they’re already making me appreciate the movie more. To quote bratt pitt on Letterboxd, she said “merely by existing in America, we are complicit in the suffering of all those below – if that’s terrifying to us, it’s even more so for them.”

Damn, I’m sold. And I’m excited to do some more digging into what this movie means to people. Crispy. Four stars. I need to see it again.

In Theaters, CrispyGuest User