danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil And Vile

Rating: Microwaved

Rating: Microwaved

I’ll always root for

Zac but he needs to get his

Head back in the game.

When the trailer for “Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile” did its rounds on the Internet, I was instantly hooked. It’s got everything a trailer should have: an assuredly riveting court case, Zac Efron being Zac Efron, and even John Malkovich uttering the movie’s titular phrase. Unfortunately, “Extremely Wicked” is one movie that doesn’t live up to the promise of its trailer. As a form of entertainment, one might say it is extremely average, shockingly dull and disjointed.

I went into “Extremely Wicked” with high hopes, but I pretty much knew I was in trouble from the get-go. The movie opens with scenes that cut back and forth between ex-girlfriend Elizabeth Kloepfer (Lily Collins) visiting Ted Bundy (Efron) in jail and the night they first met at a bar. All the sudden it’s the next morning, and Bundy is already comfortable enough in Kloepfer’s home to cook her breakfast and feed her toddler, all before she wakes up. Then, we get a montage of home movies featuring Bundy, Kloepfer and her daughter, who has aged significantly, all while news sound bites report on Bundy’s crimes. I understand the intention of this juxtaposition, but the effort is a bit too on-the-nose to be very chilling. Right after the montage, we jump to Bundy cruising through and getting pulled over in Utah. All of this, and we’re still in the first eight minutes of the movie. Yikes.

Aside from the extreme tonal inconsistencies that resulted, I didn’t like how the movie jumped all over the place because it assumed that we already know Bundy’s story and the players in it, which I didn’t and still really don’t. People weren’t introduced and situations weren’t explained, and it felt like this movie started at another, better movie’s 20-minute mark. I don’t need shit spoon-fed to me, but sometimes a little exposition at the beginning of a movie can go a long away.

Now, I love Zac Efron and think he was perfectly cast for this role, but the only thing extremely wicked and shockingly vile about this movie’s script is its gross underutilization of his dark side. Efron has been a charmer since he first came on the scene as the starting point guard of the East High Wildcats, so of course he nails that side of Bundy – I just wish he had been given more opportunities to play the menacing side. We never really get to see Bundy’s violent tendencies, and my friend Daniel claims this is intentional since it has the effect of making Bundy easy to root for in the same way that people rooted for him in real life. And that makes sense, but the movie suffers because of it. What could have been a terrifying thriller is instead reduced to something far more procedural and lackluster. And that’s a real shame, because there’s a good movie in here somewhere. Its writers just didn’t dig deep enough.

 

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