Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Battle of the Sexes

I know I said that

Frances McDormand should win

But now I’m not sure.

I first fell in love with Emma Stone after her breakout in my favorite movie of all time, “Superbad.” In a world that desperately needed to fill the void left by Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes, Stone continued to solidify herself as the right woman for that job with hilarious turns in “Easy A” and “Zombieland.” She’s begun to show off her serious side in recent years, but while she won the Academy Award for Best Actress for last year’s “La La Land,” I’m of the opinion that her turn as Billie Jean King in “Battle of the Sexes” is far more deserving of the gold. As King, Stone is passionate and determined, yet she wears her heart on her sleeve and her emotions are palpable. As a closeted athlete fighting private and very public battles, Stone’s performance is empowering and heartbreaking at the same time.

And as the title suggests, “Battle of the Sexes” also belongs to Steve Carrell. I didn’t know much about this true-to-life story before watching the movie, and I can’t stop thinking about how fascinating I found Bobby Riggs to be. Contrary to what I expected, he clearly didn’t believe in the chauvinist rhetoric he was preaching; he was just trying to thrust himself back into the spotlight while simultaneously feed his gambling addiction. But while an argument can be made that Riggs wasn’t an asshole for that reason, he definitely still was an asshole because his words struck a chord with thousands of men around the country. Carell did a great job of subtly portraying this, so while of course you have to root for Billie Jean in the final showdown, you can’t help but feeling a little empathy for Riggs, too.

Now Streaming, CrispyGuest UserDecember 22, 2017