Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Gerald's Game

Handcuffs. Bloody glass.

Stephen King’s sex romp gone wrong.

I’m scarred forever.

I’m finishing up this review several days after writing the haiku, and while “Gerald’s Game” was gripping at times, it turns out that I actually won’t be scarred forever. Carla Gugino put the movie on her back for sure, but ultimately it really wasn’t that memorable. While it was engaging at times, “Gerald’s Game” struggled tonally. I couldn’t figure out what was up with Bruce Greenwood – at first I thought he was supposed to be evil, or at least an antagonist, but then it ended up not even mattering anyways. I think the movie’s main problem was that it waited too long to establish why we should be emotionally invested in Gugino’s character’s situation, and I was asking “Are We Done Yet?” long before the movie’s “127 Hours” conclusion (Oops, spoiler). I found the movie to be boring overall, which was disappointing because I’m usually fond of Solo Survival thrillers like “Buried” and “Wild.” But in a year that also brought us one of the best Stephen King adaptations in recent memory, I can’t complain.

Now Streaming, MicrowavedGuest UserDecember 22, 2017