Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

The Disaster Artist

How Tommy Wiseau

Made a film is beyond me.

But this one’s special.

The irony is not lost on me that “The Room” is going down as one of the worst movies of all time, and “The Disaster Artist” is one of the best of 2017. Wiseau himself is a hilarious enigma, and somehow James Franco captures his essence perfectly. I’ll be rooting for him for all-things Best Actor, and I intend to see this one once more before it leaves theaters. “The Room” has gotten funnier with each viewing, and I imagine the same will be said for “The Disaster Artist.” And if anyone is looking to get me a last-minute Hanukkah present, I’m dying to read Greg Sestero’s autobiographical account of the making of “The Room.” I mean, how can you not be intrigued by this story? I’m hooked.

UPDATE: I've now seen The Disaster Artist twice in theaters and read Greg's book. I was right: the story only gets funnier and more interesting as you dig deeper into Tommy's story.

In Theaters, Perfectly ToastedGuest UserDecember 16, 2017