danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

The Lighthouse

light3.jpg
Rating: Frozen.

Rating: Frozen.

What did I just watch?

I honestly have no clue

What the hell that was.

Never have I ever sat through an entire movie and not understood a single thing about it. NOT A SINGLE THING! Plot, character motivations and development, the way scenes are strung together to create some form of deductible meaning – nothing. I would have walked out, but I’m so much of an EGGslut™ (def: Robert Eggers superfan) that I had to see it through. I loved “The Witch,” and if I were to make a list of my all-time favorite horror movies, it would be number three (“Scream” and “Hereditary” taking the top spots). That’s why I’m so disappointed and confused by Eggers’ second effort, “The Lighthouse.” Two days later, I have absolutely no idea what to make of it. So that’s why I’m going to do something a little different with this review – I’m going to do before and after takes to see if my appreciation for this mindfuck of a movie changes based on what I can dig up on it through critical analysis and reviews.

 BEFORE

Although I understood literally nothing about what happened in this movie, “The Lighthouse” is a beautiful sight to behold. Black and white must seem like an obvious choice for Eggers in retrospect, but it is undoubtedly a great one, the way it contributes to the movie’s ominous and moody atmosphere. It’s also disorienting as hell, which is almost certainly the intention. I also love the decision to shoot on 35mm in a 4:3 aspect ratio, because apparently I’m a sucker for 4:3 aspect ratios.

Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson are on their A-games here, even though I never had a clue what they were talking saying or talking about. I feel like I had to strain my ears half the time to understand what they were saying, and I probably missed a quarter of Dafoe’s pirate-talking-ass mumble dialogue. Was Willem Dafoe’s character a ghost? Did Robert Eggers really go M. Night Shyamalan on us? I still don’t have a clue.

“The Lighthouse” succeeds in transporting its audience to a very specific time and place, but it was too slow and hard to follow for me to ever enjoy the experience. Before reading up on it, I’d call this one Frozen. I’m all for a disorienting movie-going experience, but sitting through “The Lighthouse” was more like taking the mid-semester final in my high school physics class when I forgot my graphing calculator that had all the formulas hidden in it: I have no idea what’s going on, I’m angry at myself for putting myself in this situation in the first place and even though I only have myself to blame for getting myself into this mess, I blame you, Mrs. Prakash.

AFTER

All right, I should have seen this coming. This article from Mashable is making me appreciate the movie far more than I did using my own dumb brain. I love theorizing over movies like this, and it turns out I’m not the only one who didn’t know up from down after walking out of the theater. It turns out there are seemingly infinite explanations for the surface level and deeper meanings of the movie, which is awesome as shit. Sorry for doubting you, Robert Eggers. I’m definitely due for a second viewing. But here’s the thing: I stand by my Frozen review. For now, at least. I still near hated “The Lighthouse” after my first watch because I didn’t understand jack shit about what was happening. I actually love that Eggers (presumably) didn’t compromise on his vision at all, nor does he refuse to throw the audience a bone. But while I was watching “The Lighthouse” for the first time, I really could have used a bone.

In Theaters, FrozenGuest User