Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Lady Bird

Lena Dunham is

Not our generation's voice.

Greta Gerwig is.

The recent “Boyhood” is one of my favorite movies of all time because of how relatable it is to my own experience – I went to Harry Potter midnight book releases with my best friend, I got an awfully embarrassing haircut in fifth grade, I was leaving for college right when the film was released. "Lady Bird" also resonated with me in the way “Boyhood” did because it felt so real and unflinchingly honest. It was especially impactful for me because, SPOILER ALERT, the movie ends with Lady Bird starting life anew in New York, where I just spent the summer and may return to upon graduation. I loved Greta Gerwig in “20th Century Women” and I’ve seen several of her movies which I now plan to revisit ASAP (hello, “Frances, Ha”), but I can’t wait to see where her directing career takes us. My only complaint about “Lady Bird” is, again, why is Lucas Hedges starring in everything this holiday season but being so vastly underused!!

In Theaters, CrispyGuest UserNovember 25, 2017