danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

I, Tonya

I Tonya 2.jpg
Rating: Crispy.

Rating: Crispy.

The world of skating

Brought to its knees in one blow

What a testament.

Disclaimer: Please bear with me as I attempt to write this review over two weeks after seeing “I, Tonya” without having taken any notes at the time or reading any reviews now to jog (read: muddle) my memory.

As far as biopics go, “I, Tonya” probably has to be up there as one of my favorites. Why, you ask? It’s hilarious. Why is it hilarious, you ask? Editing and structure, for one, and the very solid performances by everyone involved for another. Let’s start with editing and structure, which is what primarily sets the tone for the movie. The movie is set up so that interviews with the characters are dispersed throughout the true-to-life story, and the cuts are always hilarious. The movie is at its funniest when it breaks the fourth wall, and one of the most memorable moments when it does this is when Tonya “allegedly” chases her now ex-husband out the house with a shotgun (but of course, a hefty chunk of this scene is given away in the trailer.) There’s a special place in my heart for movies with unreliable narrators.

By now, it’s no secret that Allison Janney and Margot Robbie are getting rave reviews for their performances as Tonya and her hard-ass mom, respectively, but they really do deserve the praise. I’ve never been able to call myself a fan of Margot Robbie, but I am now. She’s practically unrecognizable in the titular role, and she effortlessly plays Harding throughout her various life stages, from a young and awkward teenager to a rising star, and finally to the washed-up, bitter nobody she becomes in the talking heads cuts. I also want to shout out Mckenna Grace, the "Gifted" star who plays the young Tonya Harding. I never saw "Gifted" because it brought back nightmares from my own elementary school experience in enrichment classes, but now I think I’ll have to revisit it. Grace was the perfect casting choice here, as she matches the funniness, determination and naïveté that Robbie brings to the role in the rest of the movie.

This is only the second movie I’ve seen about the world of competitive figure skating, but I have to say it blows the skates off Ice Princess, (sorry Michelle Trachtenberg).

In Theaters, CrispyGuest User