danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Call Me By Your Name

CMBYN 2.jpg
Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

From page to the screen.

Nothing lost in translation,

Except a little.

Since I read the critically-acclaimed book by author André Aciman prior to seeing the movie, I can’t help but use my 300 words here to write about how the two compare. Sitting in the theater throughout CMBYN’s 132 minute runtime, it was undeniable to me that the novel does a much better job of capturing how Elio (Timothée Chalamet) is feeling at any given moment. Of course, that’s not really a fair critique when the book is written in first-person, and if the alternative is that the movie be narrated, I’m glad it wasn’t. But then again, hearing more from Timothée Chalamet wouldn’t be the worst thing. I mean, this kid is on fire right now. First his role in “Lady Bird” and now CMBYN; this isn’t just a breakout role, but a breakout season for him. And deservedly, as he’s great here as the young know-it-all Jewish boy who spends too much time in his own head. I see a lot of myself in this character, largely due to the way Chalamet brought him to life.

In terms of the ending, I wish the movie would have spent more time with Elio and Oliver (Armie Hammer) in Rome – their night out in the book is exhilarating and hilarious, but I think some of the magic there as lost onscreen, and Elio puking his guts in the street could’ve been played for much bigger laughs. I’ve heard complaints that the movie already feels overlong, though, so whatever, I understand. I’m also glad the movie didn’t jump into the future like the book, because the way it ends, from both technical and storytelling perspectives, is heartbreakingly beautiful. Not to mention Elio’s father’s (an awesome Michael Stuhlbarg) end conversation with Elio. So while any book snob like me will find things to criticize when something they’ve read is brought to life on the big screen, I have the highest of praises for director Luca Guadagnino’s interpretation of “Call Me By Your Name.” It still captures that feeling of the perfect summer, when it feels like, for just a while, everything is frozen and nothing matters but who you’re with and the next time you’ll be near the water.

In Theaters, Perfectly ToastedGuest User