danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

The Post

THe post 1.jpg
Rating: Crispy.

Rating: Crispy.

It’s Oscar bait, yes

But infinitely better

Than Bridge of Spies.

Waiting for the lights to dim in small theater on a Monday night, my movie buddy Jacob verbalized what we were both thinking: we were excited to finally see “The Post,” but we didn’t have high hopes. Neither of us liked “Bridge of Spies,” Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks’s excruciatingly boring last outing that naturally set the bar for our current expectations. I knew I would also be comparing every aspect of “The Post” to the Oscar-winning “Spotlight,” one of my favorite movies of the past five years. But lesson learned: having low expectations can result in big payoffs.

From start to finish, “The Post” tells a riveting story, beginning with Daniel Ellsberg (no one told me Matthew Rhys was in this!) tagging along with soldiers in Vietnam to its (MINOR SPOILER!) hilarious kick-in-the-shins-to-Nixon ending. Maybe it’s just the journalist in me, but I was on the edge of my seat throughout a majority of the film’s 116 minute runtime. I also thought this was an exceptional return-to-form for Hanks, who I haven’t enjoyed as much since “The Terminal” (why I loved a movie about an Eastern European man getting stuck in an airport at the age of eight is beyond me, but I am what I am).  And side note: I thoroughly enjoyed seeing actors from literally every TV show I’ve watched over the past few years get screen time in this movie. There was the aforementioned Rhys from “The Americans,” Sarah Paulson from “The People v. O.J.,” Bob Odenkirk from “Better Call Saul,” Carrie Coon from “The Leftovers” and Zach Woods from “Silicon Valley.” And as a side note to my side note: my biggest complaint about these casting choices was the relegation of Sarah Paulson to a minor housewife role. I mean come on, I get that this woman didn’t succeed in taking down O.J. Simpson, but she got damn close. Next time around, I’d like to see her cast as Katharine Graham.

 

 

 

In Theaters, CrispyGuest User