danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

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5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Phantom Thread

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Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Rating: Perfectly Toasted.

Daniel Day-Lewis

A hell of a performance

A perfect sendoff.

I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t seen enough of Daniel Day-Lewis to praise him the way most people do (I thought “Lincoln” was eh), but damn. What. A. Way. To. Go. If this is really his last movie ever, he will be sorely missed by me. He’s known for his character acting skills, and “Phantom Thread” is a near-perfect case study in neuroticism. As Reynolds Woodcock, Day-Lewis is an impassioned man, anal-retentive to the nth degree and brutally straightforward with everyone in his life. This doesn’t sound like a description of a character that screams “laugh out loud funny,” yet somehow Woodcock is darkly hilarious and endlessly quotable. It’s going to be a long time before I stop saying that I don’t want any confrontations when someone is trying to talk to me about something I don’t want to hear.

But let me backtrack, because I need to be clear about something. “Phantom Thread” is a fucking weird movie, but I mean that in the best possible way. I feel speechless trying to describe it. “Absurd” is a word that comes to mind, but that has a negative connotation and doesn’t properly do this movie justice. I don’t think any words will, it really just has to be seen to be understood. All I can say for certain is that, in addition to having one of the coolest movie titles of 2017, it also has one of the best scores. Film scores are only something I’m just beginning to appreciate, but this one makes the movie, as it set the tone from the very start and practically takes on a life of its own throughout. I really thought I was set on the movies that I wanted to take home the gold on March 4, but now I’m not so sure. My friend who I saw “Phantom Thread” with said she wishes there were 26 hours in a day so that she could watch this movie every day for the rest of her life, and truth be told, I think she’s onto something there.

In Theaters, Perfectly ToastedGuest User