danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Paddington 2

paddington2.jpg
Rating: Crispy.

Rating: Crispy.

It’s real hard to top

One of the best kids’ movies

Of this century.

My mom and I watched the first “Paddington” together over winter break, and I’m pretty sure we’ve both re-watched it on three separate occasions since. The original introduced us to one of the quirkiest worlds in a children’s movie since “Fantastic Mr. Fox,” perfectly striking the balance between whimsical and heartwarming, all while appealing to both adults and kids. But if you’re reading this, you probably already know that “Paddington” is not just one of the best kids’ movies of the past few years, but one of the best movies in recent memory. That’s big shoes for a sequel to fill, and while I thoroughly enjoyed the return to Paddington’s London, this trip was a little less exciting for me.

While Paddington 2 maintains the same eccentric sense of humor as the original, the jokes were in slightly shorter supply around. The toothbrush bit was hilarious in the first movie, but I didn’t need to see that again in this one (I’m sure the kids loved the nod, though). The movie’s biggest flaw was its inability to juggle the Brown kids’ subplots – yes, Jonathan (Samuel Joslin) learning to be proud of his nerdy hobbies and Judy (Madeleine Harris) starting her own newspaper provide valuable lessons for kids, but I would have liked to see these stories be weaved throughout the film instead of just being referenced at the beginning and end of the movie.

But don’t get me wrong; if “Paddington” is the best kids’ movie of the 21st century, “Paddington 2” is easily in the Top 20. I had to think long and hard about what I didn’t like about it, while it’s easy to point out what’s so great about it. Take Hugh Grant’s turn for the villainous, for example. Whether you sought this review out or you stumbled onto it, you’re probably wondering how Hugh Grant did as evil magician Phoenix Buchanan. While he’s certainly less scary than Nicole Kidman trying to turn Paddington into a museum exhibit (parents of little ones should be pleased), he’s damn near perfect for the role. It’s probably one of his best ever, with the exception of Music and Lyrics, of course. And if you miss the Hugh Grant of PoP!, you’re going to want to stick around for the credits.  

In Theaters, CrispyGuest User