danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Den of Thieves

denofthieves_pic2.jpg
Rating: Microwaved

Rating: Microwaved

Gerard Butler is the man.

But there’s a good reason I

Never see his flicks.

I could go on and on about how much I love MoviePass. I’ve only been a subscriber since the end of December, but I’ve already seen 11 movies with it. “Den of Thieves” is the first movie I saw using the service that I otherwise wouldn’t have seen, and let’s just say there’s a reason I wouldn’t have seen it otherwise. I’m not exactly sure what they were going for here, but the result was something like a “Fast and Furious: Bank Robbery Edition” wannabe – just switch out rapper Ludacris for 50 Cent, Pablo Who Cares for Vin Diesel, Gerard Butler for The Rock and boom, you have your knockoff.

But okay, let me backtrack. This January release honestly wasn’t that bad. O’Shea Jackson Jr. is proving to be the guy who elevates a movie with just his presence alone, and although Butler was one of my main draws to the movie, he was one of the movie’s weakest links. His performance seemed more contrived than genuine, but that might have just been the way his character was written. I actually love Gerard Butler, but I always forget about him because I never see any of his movies. “Geostorm” what? “London Has Fallen” who? At this point, I’m not sure if he’s a decent actor who picks terrible roles or if he’s a B-list actor who’s stumbled into a few great ones.

Overall, “Den of Thieves” was solid entertainment. It moved along at a decent pace and didn’t overstay its welcome. It’s no “Hell or High Water” or “Inside Man,” but no movie with 50 Cent is supposed to be. Maybe I’m the only one who didn’t see the twist coming, and while I thought it was a good one, I can’t shake off the feeling that the reason I didn’t see it coming is because there weren’t enough clues to deduce it. But that’s just my external locus of control talking.

 

In Theaters, MicrowavedGuest User