danny rosenberg
sr. copywriter

Soggy Waffles

Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.

 And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

 2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

 4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.

Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-08.png

1. The Frozen Waffle

The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-07.png

2. The Soggy Waffle

You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-03.png

3. The Microwaved Waffle

This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-02.png

4. The Crispy Waffle

Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.

Soggy_Waffles_Draft-01.png

5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle

This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.

Black Panther

black-panther-8.jpg
Rating: Crispy.

Rating: Crispy.

As far as welcomes

To Marvel characters go,

T’Challa reigns king.

After letting “Black Panther” sit with me for a week before writing this review, I’ve reached a verdict: it’s undoubtedly a dope entry into the Marvel Universe…but I think I’m just over superhero movies for a while (with the exception of Infinity War, of course. May can’t come fast enough. But May means graduation, so maybe May can wait.)

Allow me to elaborate using Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love (I need to use my psychology degree somehow). According to Sternberg’s theory, there are three components of love: intimacy, passion and commitment. If you have all three, you have consummate love (the ideal). Mixing and matching the components leads to different types of love. Now, let’s say I’m in a relationship with Marvel movies. When Iron Man first came out in 2008, I felt a consummate love for Marvel, as all three components were present. Over the past 10 years, my relationship with Marvel movies has teetered between Romantic Love (intimacy and passion) and Companionate Love (intimacy and commitment), but now I fear I’m on the brink of feeling Empty Love towards Marvel (commitment alone). I don’t get excited about Marvel movies like I used to, but I still see them because, for whatever reason, I feel obligated to. I felt my love wavering with the Thor trilogy, and it only continues to wither with each new release. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as big fan of hometown hero Paul Rudd as much as any other film-obsessed KC native, but at best all “Ant-Man” did was chip away at the excitement I had stored for “Captain America: Civil War.”

So now that I’ve used up 200 words to express my disdain for Marvel’s current saturation of our culture and our lives, I should make it clear that I still enjoyed “Black Panther.” As far as first entries into the Marvel Universe go, I really appreciated how director Ryan Coogler doesn’t waste time with character backstories and world-building. He allows everything to unfold naturally, and maybe this is just the nature of the character’s story, but I like how “Black Panther” doesn’t spend too much time following T’Challa’s (Chadwick Boseman) journey to becoming king and spends the majority of the movie focused on what happens after. While Michael B. Jordan has been one of my favorite actors since his heart-wrenching performance in Fruitvale Station (one of my favorite movies, ever!), I was pleasantly surprised by the strength of Panther’s supporting cast. I mean, every actor is exceptional, but Letitia Wright, who plays T’Challa’s sister Shuri, deserves a special shout out. She’s easily one of the funniest Marvel characters since Tony Stark, and also the smartest.

So, to summarize, I guess my only real qualm with “Black Panther” has to do with it being a victim of superhero oversaturation. Otherwise, it’s very solid and I definitely recommend seeing it in theaters. I know I broke my own rules with the length of this review, but once I dove into my love triangle metaphor, I just couldn’t stop typing. To make up for the strain on your eyes, I’ll be sure to make my next review shorter.

In Theaters, CrispyGuest User