If you love satire and anything-goes surrealism, and oh yeah, hate capitalism, you’ll feel right at home in this audience.
Read MoreLogo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.
Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:
1. The Frozen Waffle
The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.
2. The Soggy Waffle
You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
3. The Microwaved Waffle
This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.
4. The Crispy Waffle
Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.
5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle
This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.
Despite the lack of a strong emotional core, everything you’ve heard about Incredibles 2 and know about Pixar is on full display here: the top-notch action sequences, the superior animation and the stellar voice-acting.
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I’m pretty picky when it comes to horror movies, but I loved A Quiet Place not just for the way it turns sound into a weapon, but because the aliens are truly frightening.
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Annihilation delivers on both the surface-level thrills and the deeper meaning parables. A heady science fiction thriller’s ending is make-or-break, and while Annihilation’s is even weirder than I imagined, it’s thoroughly satisfying.
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After letting Black Panther sit with me for a week before writing this review, I’ve reached a verdict: it’s undoubtedly a dope entry into the Marvel Universe…but I think I’m just over superhero movies for a while (with the exception of Infinity War, of course).
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“Paddington” isn't just one of the best kids’ movies of the past few years, but one of the best movies in recent memory. That’s big shoes for a sequel to fill, and while I thoroughly enjoyed the return to Paddington’s London, this trip was a little less exciting for me.
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Maybe it’s just the journalist in me, but I was on the edge of my seat throughout a majority of the film’s 116 minute runtime.
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As far as biopics go, “I, Tonya” probably has to be up there as one of my favorites. Why, you ask? It’s hilarious. Why is it hilarious, you ask? Editing and structure, for one, and the very solid performances by everyone involved for another.
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“Molly’s Game” wasn’t my favorite movie of the year, but it was one of the most enjoyable to watch.
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Emma Stone's proven she can hold her in serious roles, but while she won the Academy Award for Best Actress for last year’s “La La Land,” I’m of the opinion that her turn as Billie Jean King in “Battle of the Sexes” is far more deserving of the gold.
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"Lady Bird" resonated with me in the same way that “Boyhood” (one of my favorite movies ever) did because it felt so unflinchingly honest and relatable.
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