Welcome to Soggy Waffles. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the write-up. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online.
And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:
1 = The Frozen Waffle. The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. That bite was so traumatizing that you it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.
2 = The Soggy Waffle. You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
3 = The Microwaved Waffle. This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.
4 = The Crispy Waffle. Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This is the type of movie that cracks into your End-of-Year best list, but doesn’t quite make it onto your Best of All Time.
5 = The Toasty Waffle. This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious. You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.
Logo and illustrations by Adrienne Luther.
Welcome to Soggy Waffles Reviews. Here’s how these bite-size, digestible movie reviews work. Every movie gets a haiku. That’s one movie, 17 syllables. Every movie gets a short write-up. I’m talking so short that you should be able to completely syrupize a plate of waffles in the time it takes to read the review. If not, then I’m not doing my job. This is my take on the movies I see, not a chewed up and spit out version of anything you’ll find online. And finally, every movie gets a Soggy Waffles rating. The scale is as follows:
1. The Frozen Waffle
The type of waffle that you can still taste the freezer burn when you bite into it. The whole experience is so traumatizing that it might be awhile before you can safely bite into another.
2. The Soggy Waffle
You don’t need a pick-axe or other climbing gear to attack this waffle, but the pneumonic device you learned in elementary school to memorize the cardinal directions still applies: Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
3. The Microwaved Waffle
This is the type of waffle that won’t stick with you for the rest of your life, but damn you enjoyed it nonetheless. Not every movie can be a Superbad.
4. The Crispy Waffle
Oh yeah, it’s not the best waffle you’ve ever had, but it’s pretty close. This rating is reserved for the movise that crack into your End-of-Year best lists but don't quite make it onto your Best of All Time.
5. The Perfectly Toasted Waffle
This is that from-scratch, special recipe, best-you’ve-ever had waffle. The kind in which the waffle is so good that the act of adding chocolate chips, butter or even syrup would be sacrilegious (but obviously you still do). You can never eat it for the first time twice, so savor it when you’ve got it.
After letting Black Panther sit with me for a week before writing this review, I’ve reached a verdict: it’s undoubtedly a dope entry into the Marvel Universe…but I think I’m just over superhero movies for a while (with the exception of Infinity War, of course).
Read MoreI love Gerard Butler, but I always forget about him because I never see any of his movies. “Geostorm” what? “London Has Fallen” who? At this point, I’m not sure if he’s a decent actor who picks terrible roles or if he’s a B-list actor who’s stumbled into a few great ones.
Read More“Paddington” isn't just one of the best kids’ movies of the past few years, but one of the best movies in recent memory. That’s big shoes for a sequel to fill, and while I thoroughly enjoyed the return to Paddington’s London, this trip was a little less exciting for me.
Read MoreI’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t seen enough of Daniel Day-Lewis to praise him the way most people do, but damn. What. A. Way. To. Go. If this is really his last movie ever, he will be sorely missed by me.
Read MoreThere used to be a time when I wouldn’t dare skip a Pixar movie in theaters, and though the “Cars” series has done a lot to change that for me, “Coco” is not one to miss.
Read MoreMaybe it’s just the journalist in me, but I was on the edge of my seat throughout a majority of the film’s 116 minute runtime.
Read MoreWhile any book snob will find things to criticize when something they’ve read is brought to life on the big screen, I have the highest of praises for director Luca Guadagnino’s interpretation of “Call Me By Your Name.” It still captures that feeling of the perfect summer, when it feels like, for just a while, everything is frozen and nothing matters but who you’re with and the next time you’ll be near the water.
Read MoreAs far as biopics go, “I, Tonya” probably has to be up there as one of my favorites. Why, you ask? It’s hilarious. Why is it hilarious, you ask? Editing and structure, for one, and the very solid performances by everyone involved for another.
Read More“Molly’s Game” wasn’t my favorite movie of the year, but it was one of the most enjoyable to watch.
Read MoreThere’s just so much to love about “The Shape of Water”: a classic story of beauty and the beast with a science-fiction spin, a beautifully wordless performance from Sally Hawkins and a Cold War backdrop that’s transportive in every sense of the word.
Read More“Paddington” works so well because you somehow never doubt the plausibility of what’s happening onscreen.
Read MoreStar Wars followers are as hard to please as any fan base, and it’s easy to get caught up in all the shit-talking people do as soon as the latest movie comes out. But when everything is said and done, the main purpose of Star Wars is to entertain, and “The Last Jedi” is entertaining as hell.
Read MoreI’m exaggerating when I say that I slept through all of "Darkest Hour,” but it was without a doubt the most boring movie of 2017.
Read MoreI wanted to say "Showman's" weakest act was a failed attempt at juggling the heavy-handed themes of classism and racism, but it’s not juggling if you don’t even pick up the balls.
Read MoreEmma Stone's proven she can hold her in serious roles, but while she won the Academy Award for Best Actress for last year’s “La La Land,” I’m of the opinion that her turn as Billie Jean King in “Battle of the Sexes” is far more deserving of the gold.
Read MoreWhile it was engaging at times, “Gerald’s Game” struggled tonally.
Read MoreThe irony is not lost on me that “The Room” is going down as one of the worst movies of all time, and “The Disaster Artist” is one of the best of 2017.
Read MoreI was blown away by how much I loved “Three Billboards.”
Read More“The Florida Project” is the type of movie that you know is going to stick with you for a long time as soon as the credits start rolling.
Read More"Lady Bird" resonated with me in the same way that “Boyhood” (one of my favorite movies ever) did because it felt so unflinchingly honest and relatable.
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